The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 24, 2020

Pope Francis Attempts To Compromise On Rule-Change Proposals By Allowing Priests To Marry Him

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Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For First 5 Or So Times

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Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

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Experts Recommend Tuning Them Out And Just Trying To Enjoy Your Life

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Waiter Asks If Couple Would Like To Pack Him Up In Little Box And Take Him Home For Later

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Overwhelmed Archaeologists Struggling To Keep Pace With Glut Of Early Humans Thawed Out By Climate Change

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Boy Scouts Leadership Confident Organization Can Overcome Stigma Of Bankruptcy

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Armed Teacher Rehearses Shooting Wall, Gunman, 3 Students During Active Shooter Drill

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Trump Celebrates New Hospital Opening With Oxygen Tube-Cutting Ceremony

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Report: Average Life Expectancy Increases To 18.2 Years For Americans Who Go Out Like Fucking Legends

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Thousands Of PETA Activists Descend On Hoover Headquarters To Protest Vacuum Cleaner That Spooked Dog

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New CIA Torture Program Concert Series Brings Metallica Into Black Sites To Play 72-Hour Sets

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Rod Blagojevich Somehow Already Governor Of Illinois Again Minutes After Prison Release

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‘I Love My Wife Marcia And 2 Beautiful Kids, Tad And Hayden,’ Says Buttigieg In Latest Campaign Shift

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Carnival Sinks Cruise Ship Rather Than Letting It Fall Into Coronavirus’ Clutches

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Panicking Aides Finally Locate Biden At Wrong Venue Following Cirque Du Soleil Performers Onstage

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Last-Second DNC Rule Change Requires Candidates Spend At Least $300 Million Of Own Fortune To Make Debate Stage

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‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

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Chuck Todd Reminds Candidates That If They Want More Time To Speak There Are Melee Weapons Under Each Of Their Lecterns

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Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

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Stephen Miller Spends Entire Honeymoon In Hotel Room Calling ICE On Cleaning Staff

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Mom With Arms Full Of Groceries Holds Baby By Scruff Of Neck With Mouth

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‘Four Quarts Make A Gallon. The Frontal Lobe Controls Decision Making. The Ottoman Empire Dissolved In 1922,” Says Amy Klobuchar, Continuing To Name Trivia Facts Hours After Debate Ends

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Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race

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Recently Concussed Americans March On Washington D.C. Demanding The Right To Sleep

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Bloomberg Housekeepers Brace For Another Day Of Dressing Up Like DNC Candidates And Letting Boss Beat Them In Debate

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Passengers Aboard Coronavirus Cruise Ship Refusing To Leave After Forming Unlikely Friendships With Each Other That Transcend Nations, Languages

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GM Ups Ante In SUV Race With New 14-Seat, 11-Door, 7-Wheel, 4-Trunk Chevy Teton

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Everyone In Symphony Audience Has Finger Cocked Under Beer Can Tab For First Sign of Crescendo

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Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election

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Indian Elephant Forced To Busk On Hollywood Boulevard After Los Angeles Bans Exotic Animal Performers

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Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds

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Pete Alonso Asks Teammates Whether They’d All Rather Sign Up For Volleyball This Year

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