Report: Everything Slightly Worse Than Yesterday Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun Ravages Of Age Claim Formerly Perky Beer Gut Cat Treat Package Going On About Delicious, Creamy Center Too Much Not To Be Marketing To Humans Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism Zoo Visitors Impressed By Number Of Animals Willing To Eat Change Truffle Oil Embarrassed To Be Working With Low-Class Ingredients On Loaded Fries Dumb Tourists In Paris Gawking At Splendor Of Greatest Architectural Feats In Human History Dentist Feels Blessed That He Still Gets Turned On By Teeth After All These Years Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die Man Validated After Discovering Popular Kid From High School Ended Up Bottoming Out Almost As Much As He Did Archaeologists Discover Cave With Earliest Known Built-In Shelves Excited Park Rangers Announce Lincoln Memorial Actually A Girl After Statue Gives Birth To Litter Of Tiny Marble Abraham Lincolns Emergency Last Responders Loiter Around Scene Pretending To Aid Victims After Most Of The Work Already Done U.S. Plagued By Widespread Website Crashes After Mouse Gets Into Internet
