The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 20, 2020

Relationship Experts Urge You Not To Cheat On Significant Other Even Though Sex Will Feel Amazing And They Never Have To Know

Landlord Figures He Can Pass Off Uninhabitable Shithole As ‘Great For Students’

God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95

Pine Tree Lying On Curb Struggling To Understand Own Life Cycle

Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy

Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life

Trump Warns Iran Not To Kill Any Protesters Who U.S. Already Has Dibs On

Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference

Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want

Swing Voter Really Relates To Buttigieg’s Complete Lack Of Conviction

Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female President Over The Sound Of Her Vacuum

Increasingly Unwell Harvey Weinstein Arrives To Court As Jar Of Ashes

Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of Love

CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate

‘Hey, Remember John Hickenlooper?’ Says Wolf Blitzer To Break Tension From Debate

CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Reproductive System

CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage

Cereal Too Crispy, Needs To Soak

Pete Buttigieg Trapped In Freezer After Searching Iowa Diner For Back Room With High-Rolling Donors

Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism

Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders

Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing

Articles Of Impeachment Sent Through Winding Maze Of Pneumatic Tubes On Journey To Senate

Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band

Man Afraid He’ll Seem Vulnerable If He Reaches Out To Fire Department For Help

Couple Decide They’re Better Off As Siblings

CNN Audio Analysis Reveals Biden Caught On Wet Mic While Chewing On Own Microphone

Jeff Bezos Donates $690,000 Directly Into Australian Fire

Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism

Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There

Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders

Underwear-Clad Senators Line Up Before Congressional Doctor To Make Sure They Physically Fit For Impeachment

Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now

Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces