The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 20, 2020

Relationship Experts Urge You Not To Cheat On Significant Other Even Though Sex Will Feel Amazing And They Never Have To Know

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Landlord Figures He Can Pass Off Uninhabitable Shithole As ‘Great For Students’

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God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95

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Pine Tree Lying On Curb Struggling To Understand Own Life Cycle

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Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy

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Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life

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Trump Warns Iran Not To Kill Any Protesters Who U.S. Already Has Dibs On

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Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference

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Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want

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Swing Voter Really Relates To Buttigieg’s Complete Lack Of Conviction

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Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female President Over The Sound Of Her Vacuum

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Increasingly Unwell Harvey Weinstein Arrives To Court As Jar Of Ashes

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Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of Love

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CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate

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‘Hey, Remember John Hickenlooper?’ Says Wolf Blitzer To Break Tension From Debate

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CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Reproductive System

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CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage

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Cereal Too Crispy, Needs To Soak

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Pete Buttigieg Trapped In Freezer After Searching Iowa Diner For Back Room With High-Rolling Donors

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Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism

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Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders

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Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing

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Articles Of Impeachment Sent Through Winding Maze Of Pneumatic Tubes On Journey To Senate

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Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band

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Man Afraid He’ll Seem Vulnerable If He Reaches Out To Fire Department For Help

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Couple Decide They’re Better Off As Siblings

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CNN Audio Analysis Reveals Biden Caught On Wet Mic While Chewing On Own Microphone

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Jeff Bezos Donates $690,000 Directly Into Australian Fire

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Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

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CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism

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Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There

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Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders

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Underwear-Clad Senators Line Up Before Congressional Doctor To Make Sure They Physically Fit For Impeachment

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Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now

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Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces

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