Landlord Figures He Can Pass Off Uninhabitable Shithole As ‘Great For Students’
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God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95
Pine Tree Lying On Curb Struggling To Understand Own Life Cycle
Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy
Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life
Trump Warns Iran Not To Kill Any Protesters Who U.S. Already Has Dibs On
Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference
Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want
Swing Voter Really Relates To Buttigieg’s Complete Lack Of Conviction
Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female President Over The Sound Of Her Vacuum
Increasingly Unwell Harvey Weinstein Arrives To Court As Jar Of Ashes
Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of Love
CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate
‘Hey, Remember John Hickenlooper?’ Says Wolf Blitzer To Break Tension From Debate
CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Reproductive System
CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage
Cereal Too Crispy, Needs To Soak
Pete Buttigieg Trapped In Freezer After Searching Iowa Diner For Back Room With High-Rolling Donors
Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism
Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders
Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing
Articles Of Impeachment Sent Through Winding Maze Of Pneumatic Tubes On Journey To Senate
Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band
Man Afraid He’ll Seem Vulnerable If He Reaches Out To Fire Department For Help
Couple Decide They’re Better Off As Siblings
CNN Audio Analysis Reveals Biden Caught On Wet Mic While Chewing On Own Microphone
Jeff Bezos Donates $690,000 Directly Into Australian Fire
Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador
CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism
Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There
Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders
Underwear-Clad Senators Line Up Before Congressional Doctor To Make Sure They Physically Fit For Impeachment
Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now
Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces
