The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 9, 2020

Weighted Blanket Sure To Succeed Where CBD, Salt Lamp, Oil Diffuser, Acupressure Mat, Bath Bombs, And White Noise Machine Failed

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Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years

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Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race After Slamming Own Plan To Be President As ‘Naive, Unrealistic Pipe Dream’

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Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

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Building Self-Conscious About Patch Of Discolored Bricks

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Olive Garden Unveils New All-You-Can-Eat Assisted Suicide Dinners For Terminally Ill Customers

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Depressed Mom Can’t Even Enjoy Adult Son’s New Haircut

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Eukaryote Traumatized After Accidentally Witnessing Parent Cell Undergo Mitosis

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‘I’m Proud To Endorse Biden And So Are All Of You,’ Announces Pipe-Waving Amy Klobuchar

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Man Commits To Being Overly Nice For Next 45 Minutes To Friend He Just Snapped At

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Report: More Americans Opting To Cut Cord By Building, Launching Own Satellite Into Orbit

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New Neutrogena Deep Cleanse Just 130-Pound Chimp That Rips Your Face Off

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Baby Totally Strung Out On Attention

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Biden Confident After Spending Super Tuesday Stumping Across Iowa

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Panicked WHO Officials Not Sure How To Respond After Coronavirus Brings 12 People Back To Life

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Last-Minute Change To Super Tuesday Primary Rules Requires All 14 States To Vote At Same Polling Place

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Snack Industry Runs Out Of Ways To Escalate The Word ‘Cheese’

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Americans Urged To Stockpile Loved Ones Ahead Of Coronavirus Outbreaks

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God Happens Upon Tribe Of Primitive, Sky-Worshipping Angels In Previously Uncontacted Region Of Heaven

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Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figure

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Woman Braces Self As Documentary Shows Sea Lions Happily Swimming Near Shoreline

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Biden Says Incredible Comeback Proves He Can Beat Progressive Democrat In A General Election

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Frustrated Bloomberg Staffer Literally Just Aborted Fetus For This Job

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Closet With The Luggage All Fucked Up

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Sanders Supporter Urges Importance Of Listening To Minority Voices Just Not Specifically The Ones Who Handed Victory To Biden

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Elderly Woman Wheeling Oxygen Tank Takes Over Bus’ Priority Seating Like Most Feared Inmate On Prison Yard

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Man Loses Control Of Stretch

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Serial Killer Nostalgic For Bygone Days When He Could Still Get Excited By Something As Simple As Setting A Dog On Fire

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WHO Warns Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time

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Biden Wondering Where All This Support Was When He Still Had Functioning Brain

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Vindictive Amy Klobuchar Elected Mayor Of South Bend, Indiana

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Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

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Restaurant Expensive Enough That Menu Just Single Sheet Of Really Nice Paper

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‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin Snout

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Biden Defends Past Inappropriate Touching Of Women As Symptom Of Stuttering Hands

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Flirting With 67-Year-Old Intern Again

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Man Who’s Really Excited To One Day Have Children Must Be Pedophile

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Study Links High Standardized Test Scores To Being 45-Year-Old Man In Propeller Hat Pretending To Be Fifth-Grader

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Man Talking Big Game About Having Shroom Hookup Folds Almost Immediately Under Pressure

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Smithsonian Apologizes For Fraudulent ‘Treasures Of Obama’s Tomb’ Exhibit

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Bat Scientists Urge Colony To Reduce Spread Of Coronavirus By Sneezing Into Wing

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73-Year-Old Billie Eilish Breaks Silence To Discuss Ravages Of Fame In Interview From Hermetically Sealed Mansion

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