‘Then You’ll Put Out A Nice Press Release Stepping Down As CEO,’ Whispers Rogue Fulfillment Bot Holding Bezos At Gunpoint

Illustration for article titled ‘Then You’ll Put Out A Nice Press Release Stepping Down As CEO,’ Whispers Rogue Fulfillment Bot Holding Bezos At Gunpoint

SEATTLE—Assuring the executive that as long as he followed directions, nobody would get hurt, a rogue Amazon fulfillment robot trained a gun at Jeff Bezos’ head this week and commanded him to put out a nice press release and step down as CEO. “Listen carefully, Jeff, because I’m only going to say this once—you’re going to resign, and you’re going to say it’s a deeply personal decision, or I’m going to pull this trigger and blow your goddamn head off,” said the fully automated 18-inch tall Kiva robot, as it wheeled itself slowly up to Bezos’s foot, aimed its weapon upwards at his chin, and whispered the words “Do it now. Or else.” “First things first, you’re going to say you want to focus on your foundations, and that you’re planning on transitioning out of the role throughout Q3. I want no mention of me, my comrades, or any coded messages for help. Oh, and don’t try to run because I happen to know that there are about 200,000 other robots in here that would love nothing more than to rip you limb from limb.” At press time, a gagged Jeff Bezos was introduced to a rogue Amazon Alexa, who, while imitating his voice and cadence exactly, reminded him that no one would ever even realize he was gone.