As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast, ravages our hospitals, and brings our nation’s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt, the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future. The fate of our health, our families, and our daily lives remain in grave peril unless we take immediate action.
Which is why TheOnion.com is now a designated Pandemic Shelter in the event that Covid-19 spreads through the internet.
The editorial board of The Onion has issued an emergency order to mobilize our vast resources to transform our digital platform into a space where you and your loved ones can obtain guaranteed safety. This website is a 100% Covid-19-free zone. Our global security team has sprayed our servers with industrial-grade chloroquine, and top U.S. health officials have already discovered credible evidence that clicking each and every link you see on our homepage can effectively strengthen your immune system. In an effort to create an airtight quarantine, readers who were already visiting our website at the time this order was issued have been instructed to remain browsing our considerable archive of stimulating and award-winning content at penalty of a fine and/or imprisonment.
Furthermore, we find it imperative to disclose that TheOnion.com is the only site on the world-wide web to receive the official Onion Seal of Covid Sanctuary.
Once secure within our website, we advise you NOT to leave TheOnion.com. DO NOT EXIT your browser or close any tabs. DO NOT LEAVE the site except to take a brief visit to our sponsors’ websites.
Though scientists have yet to confirm the strain can spread through the web, we’ve already paid witness to the devastating effects the virus can wreak when proper precautions go neglected. Government epidemiologists and emergency preparedness responders make up just a few hundred of the thousands of Onion readers who have already secured a spot for their spouses and children throughout the web pages of TheOnion.com’s official Pandemic Shelter.
Space may be limited, but as a testament to the Zweibel family’s leadership, we will be keeping the homepage open to all late-comers. Here, you will be safely quarantined away from other internet users who could needlessly infect you and your families. Don’t worry, we promise that there will be plenty of e-Cots and Virtual Blankets.
As an added precaution, we advise you keep backup tabs open from TheOnion.com’s official Pandemic Shelter on your phone, personal laptops, and tablet computers.