SAGINAW, MI—Shaking his head at the tragic futility of it all, local man Daniel Roth sighed “there are no good options in Syria” Thursday after devoting 12 minutes of casual research to the topic. “It’s just so heartbreaking, but what’s worse is that there doesn’t seem to be any real solution,” said Roth, who skimmed seven paragraphs of a Washington Post editorial on the subject and watched a short Vox explainer video on the various participants in the conflict before clicking over to the teaser trailer for Thor: Ragnarok. “There’s certainly no silver bullet, and there might not even be a workable way out at all. With so many confounding variables at play, I can’t even imagine a decent path forward unless something completely unexpected happens.” Roth admitted, however, that he was not an expert on Syria and hoped his friend who recently read a 6,000-word essay in Harper’s might have some more encouraging insight.

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