LONDON—Following wide-ranging criticism of the embattled prime minister’s handling of Brexit negotiations, Theresa May narrowly managed to survive execution by the parliamentary firing squad, sources confirmed Thursday. “After several months of coming under constant attack, this firing squad was merely the latest high-stakes test for May,” said Tory MP Sir Graham Brady, explaining that a blindfolded May was marched out in front of the House of Commons at dawn where her conservative colleagues leveled their rifles and pulled the trigger, only to discover that they had miraculously missed every single shot. “Once the dust finally settled and the wall was riddled with bullet holes, she somehow managed to walk away unscathed. Many in the party thought she was a goner, but at least for now, she lives to fight another day.” At press time, May buckled under pressure from members of her party and signaled her intent to be shot before the 2022 election.

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