WASHINGTON—Turning from side to side in front of the mirror and slapping his belly, President Joe Biden was reportedly sobbing Tuesday, stating, “They hate me—they hate me because I’m fat,” after viewing his latest polling numbers. “No wonder my approval rating is so low, it’s because I look like a big fat hog!” said Biden, who slammed the door to the Oval Office and flung himself across a sofa, burying his face in a pillow as he continued howling and shouting to the aides and advisors who stood in the helplessly in the hall outside. “Don’t say I’m not fat! I know when you’re lying to me. You know why everyone loved Obama? Because he wasn’t fucking disgusting! Fuck! I should just kill myself!” At press time, Biden was on an elliptical machine frantically Googling “normal weight for president.”
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