Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately

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The Onion examines what the GOP will do without delay if a red wave in the midterms puts Republicans in control of Congress.

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Be More Present In The Moment

Republicans have set an intention to practice mindfulness as they deliver a final death blow to American democracy.

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Whine So Much

Sunday talk shows, newspaper columns, the floor of Congress, wherever you look: There’s going to be so much goddamn whining.

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Get Rid Of The Electoral College

At long last, this undemocratic holdover from the slavery era will be done away with, along with the rest of the U.S. election system.

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Rank The Races

Obviously white is their No. 1, but they’ll rank the ones after that too.

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Do A Backflip

Kevin McCarthy reportedly plans to stand at the podium, launch himself into the air, and do a full backflip while Democrats watch.

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Elect Nancy Pelosi As Speaker Of House

They don’t like her, but she has experience.

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Leave Things Pretty Much Alone Economically

The upside to having incredibly conservative fiscal policies is that there’s not much more they can do.

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Accelerate The Erosion Of Rights To Exacerbate The System Of Oppression That Disproportionately Affects Black And Brown People, Allowing The Ultra Wealthy To Control Even More Resources While Leaving The Lower Classes More Desperate Than Ever Before In Order To More Quickly Sound The Death Knell Of Our Country And The World In General

You get it.

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Impeach Jane Fonda

Though largely symbolic, impeachment would send a strong message against the Monster-In-Law star.

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Return Of Friday Crab Boils

It won’t all be bad. The longstanding tradition of Friday crab boils will return to Congress.

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Throw Out The Sponge

It’s starting to smell.

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Get Matching Hunter Biden Tattoos

On Hunter Biden subpoena day, Republicans reportedly plan to get matching tattoos that will feature the date of the subpoena as well as an intricate drawing of Hunter Biden’s face.

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Buy A New Laptop

The old one has been on the fritz ever since Lindsey Graham took it home for the weekend.

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Overthrow The Government, Which Is Now Them

Republicans will finally go through with overthrowing the government, but now that they are in power, it will be them who will be dragged into the streets.

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Cause Roughly 5.2 Trillion Declarations By Democratic Party Leaders That The Republican Party Has Lost Its Way

We’re not sure that we, as a nation, can handle this.

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Order A Rancid Lunch To Make Democrats In The Chamber Sick

Whispers are already brewing among Republicans who plan on using their majority to vote for a catering company to bring in lunch that will invariably give Democrats violent food poisoning.

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Get The Carpet Professionally Cleaned

It’s fucking filthy.

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Impeach Biden

The GOP has rightly taken issue with the Biden administration killing foreign civilians in airstrikes and causing mass starvation in Afghanistan by freezing its government assets, not to mention the brutal sanctions on—wait, no, it will be over some Marjorie Taylor Greene bullshit.

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Hang Out With Johnny Depp

Many Republican incumbents and candidates have voiced their support for the actor Johnny Depp and hope that by controlling Congress they will finally have enough clout to inspire a chill hang with Depp.

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Curb Tasteful Government Spending

No more chic dinnerware and stylishly placed flower arrangements once tasteful government spending falls under the purview of the GOP-dominated Congress.

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Re-Legalize Slavery

Gotta start somewhere!