Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately

Republicans have set an intention to practice mindfulness as they deliver a final death blow to American democracy.

Sunday talk shows, newspaper columns, the floor of Congress, wherever you look: There’s going to be so much goddamn whining.

At long last, this undemocratic holdover from the slavery era will be done away with, along with the rest of the U.S. election system.

Obviously white is their No. 1, but they’ll rank the ones after that too.

Kevin McCarthy reportedly plans to stand at the podium, launch himself into the air, and do a full backflip while Democrats watch.

They don’t like her, but she has experience.

The upside to having incredibly conservative fiscal policies is that there’s not much more they can do.

You get it.

Though largely symbolic, impeachment would send a strong message against the Monster-In-Law star.

It won’t all be bad. The longstanding tradition of Friday crab boils will return to Congress.

It’s starting to smell.

On Hunter Biden subpoena day, Republicans reportedly plan to get matching tattoos that will feature the date of the subpoena as well as an intricate drawing of Hunter Biden’s face.

The old one has been on the fritz ever since Lindsey Graham took it home for the weekend.

Republicans will finally go through with overthrowing the government, but now that they are in power, it will be them who will be dragged into the streets.

We’re not sure that we, as a nation, can handle this.

Whispers are already brewing among Republicans who plan on using their majority to vote for a catering company to bring in lunch that will invariably give Democrats violent food poisoning.

It’s fucking filthy.

The GOP has rightly taken issue with the Biden administration killing foreign civilians in airstrikes and causing mass starvation in Afghanistan by freezing its government assets, not to mention the brutal sanctions on—wait, no, it will be over some Marjorie Taylor Greene bullshit.

Many Republican incumbents and candidates have voiced their support for the actor Johnny Depp and hope that by controlling Congress they will finally have enough clout to inspire a chill hang with Depp.

No more chic dinnerware and stylishly placed flower arrangements once tasteful government spending falls under the purview of the GOP-dominated Congress.

Gotta start somewhere!