Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

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Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.

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“Elon was so nice. I really enjoyed our first meeting, and I’m looking forward to working with him on future projects.”

“Elon was so nice. I really enjoyed our first meeting, and I’m looking forward to working with him on future projects.”

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Exactly something a social justice warrior would say.

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“I have an idea that will make Twitter profitable.”

“I have an idea that will make Twitter profitable.”

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That runs directly counter to Musk’s plan to drive this baby into the ground.

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“I haven’t seen my wife in three days.”

“I haven’t seen my wife in three days.”

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All wives were supposed to be turned in last week.

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“I have to go to the bathroom.”

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

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Employees of Twitter 2.0 must hold their urine for at least 27 hours.

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“Don’t we have an ethical responsibility to make sure our work isn’t being used to hurt people?”

“Don’t we have an ethical responsibility to make sure our work isn’t being used to hurt people?”

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No.

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“I actually really like the Green Album.”

“I actually really like the Green Album.”

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Elon Musk may be a fucking tool, but even he knows everything Weezer made after Pinkerton is reductive drivel.

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“Mr. Musk brings the perfect union of innovation and talent.”

“Mr. Musk brings the perfect union of innovation and talent.”

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Algorithm caught the word “union” and immediately sent security.

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“I bet I can jump higher than him.”

“I bet I can jump higher than him.”

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Not a chance. Elon Musk is the most nimble, athletic man on earth.

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“I’m locked inside the office. Please. I’m so hungry.”

“I’m locked inside the office. Please. I’m so hungry.”

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Not very “hardcore” to complain about spending the weekend trapped in Twitter headquarters, is it?

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“He’s such a great boss.”

“He’s such a great boss.”

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No one wants to work with a liar.

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“Is now a good time to tell you that I’m a bot?”

“Is now a good time to tell you that I’m a bot?”

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Read the room. You know bots don’t get a nice severance package, either.

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“Uh, boss. This is going to break the site.”

“Uh, boss. This is going to break the site.”

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He already knows. Stop wasting time!

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“He’s got weird thumbs.”

“He’s got weird thumbs.”

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This is apparently the thing Musk is most sensitive about.

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“He’s sitting in my chair.”

“He’s sitting in my chair.”

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Sitting reduces crucial blood flow to employees’ brains, which should be working nonstop to make Twitter profitable.

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“I would rather have kids with the previous CEO.”

“I would rather have kids with the previous CEO.”

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Threats to Musk’s corporate propagation plan will not be tolerated.

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[Silence]

[Silence]

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It’s also inappropriate for employees not to be talking about him.

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“I love Elon, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my wife and kids for him.”

“I love Elon, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my wife and kids for him.”

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Only absolute loyalty will be accepted!

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“He offered me a horse to not discuss what he did in the elevator.”

“He offered me a horse to not discuss what he did in the elevator.”

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Should’ve taken the horse.

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