Things McDonald’s Would Hate If You Knew About Their Restaurants

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McDonald’s may be a beloved multinational corporation, but its history is plagued by dark secrets. Here are several horrifying facts McDonald’s would hate if you knew about their restaurants.

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There’s A Taco Bell Next Door

If word got out about the Taco Bell next door, McDonald’s would lose millions of dollars in revenue every day.

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The Beef Comes From Mean Cows

Most cows appear nice and kind, but McDonald’s beef comes from real asshole bovines that nobody else wants to eat.

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Each PlayPlace Contains A Gate To Hell

Parents may not let their children crawl around in the ball pit if they knew the structure connected directly to the underworld.

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They Lost Stalingrad

In a shameful defeat, McDonald’s was unable to conquer Stalin’s powerful Red Army and set up their golden arches in this strategically important location.

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Most Of The Characters Aren’t Real

Beloved characters such as the Hamburglar, Grimace, and the Fry Guys are entirely fictional, with only Mayor McCheese being inspired by anthropomorphic cheeseburger Malcolm Cheese, who was mayor of Houston for two terms in the 1960s.

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They Use Frozen, Never Fresh Employees

You don’t even want to know how long those exhausted high schoolers have been sitting in the walk in.

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They Test Make-Up On Their Big Macs

The innocent burgers are not only corralled and eaten alive by customers, but forced to have mascara, eyeshadow, and lipsticks tested on their buns by profit-hungry corporations.

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Jared From Subway Actually Lost Weight From McDonald’s

The convicted child molester actually lost 245 pounds from eating burgers, fries, and milkshakes.

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Where Their Employees Were On The Night Of December 25th, 1996

Corporate would do anything to stop you from finding out some of the more than 200,000 McDonalds employees have no alibi for the night JonBenét Ramsey went missing.

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The Secret Diabetes Menu

If you ask for The Secret Diabetes Menu at select locations, you get the opportunity to skip decades of poor eating and just get injected with Type 2 Diabetes by the cashier.

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You Can Still Say “Supersize Me”

It will not affect your order, but they cannot stop you from saying it.

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Other Restaurants Sell Hamburgers As Well

McDonald’s actually does not have a monopoly on serving this popular type of food.

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At The End Of The Day, All The Leftover Food Gets Shot Into Space

It would be nice to think a massive chain like McDonald’s donates or somehow recycles their leftover food at the end of the day, but all unsold food is unfortunately launched through our atmosphere into the cosmos.

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The Happy Meal Toys Are Stolen From Children

Each morning, McDonald’s employees steal small trinkets from the local elementary school to supplement their happy meals for the day.

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Grimace Is 8th In Line For The Presidency

Thanks to a special amendment in the constitution, Grimace is required to be sworn in as commander-in-chief after the attorney general dies.

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The Ice Cubes From The Soda Machine Are Actually Frozen Water

Sorry if this icky reveal ruins McDonald’s drinks for you forever!

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Many Franchise Owners Donate To Local Charities

This is exactly the type of shallow virtue signaling that can sink a successful business.

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Ronald McDonald Is Still Locked Up In Honduran Prison

Haven’t seen the friendly clown in a while? That’s because he was extradited to Central America for his heinous international crimes.

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In It For The Money

Higher-ups in the corporation have some times lost sight of their love of processed foods, high fructose corn syrup, and questionable treatment of livestock.