Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor

Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor

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Studies show that 100% of men are sperm donors, yet many donors aren’t familiar with all the intricacies of the process. Here are things that no one tells you about being a sperm donor.

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You Can Cum As Hard As You Want

You Can Cum As Hard As You Want

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Within the safe walls of the sperm donation space, you can orgasm with maximum force and as much torque as you can muster.

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All The Sperm Gets Deposited Into A Huge 1,000-Gallon Bucket

All The Sperm Gets Deposited Into A Huge 1,000-Gallon Bucket

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Yes, they make you ejaculate into a small plastic container, but it’s really just a formality before dumping the thing into a huge trough filled with jizz.

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You Have To Jerk Off In Front Of A Large Crowd

You Have To Jerk Off In Front Of A Large Crowd

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Rather than a private, windowless room like the clinic would have you expect, all sperm donors are required to masturbate at the center of an auditorium while thousands of audience members watch.

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Cumming Into A Test Tube Is Actually Kind Of Hot

Cumming Into A Test Tube Is Actually Kind Of Hot

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Maybe it’s because of that intoxicating contrast of the sterile test tube with the incredible fertility of your seed, the naughty nature of knowing that other people know you’re masturbating, or simply the phallic imagery of the test tube, but cumming into a test tube is actually kind of hot—hotter than anything else, in fact. Oh god, oh god, we’re imagining it now, that glass tube aching to be filled, pushed up against the scorching hot tip of our—oh. Oh god. It’s over. Okay, back to the slideshow.

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A Sperm Sommelier Personally Assesses Each Sperm Donation For Quality, Smell, And Taste

A Sperm Sommelier Personally Assesses Each Sperm Donation For Quality, Smell, And Taste

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After your sperm is brought to the back, a certified expert runs your jizz through a decanter, where it is assessed for fruity, oaky, and dry notes.

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If A Sperm Starts To Act Aggressively, Try To Make Yourself Look Large

If A Sperm Starts To Act Aggressively, Try To Make Yourself Look Large

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If one of your sperm begins to growl, hiss, or bite, you should always try to scare it by standing up tall and making loud noises.

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Sperm Is Stupid

Sperm Is Stupid

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Just a handful of white gush! So bad and weird!

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Rating People Based On Their Genetics Is Kind Of Ethically Fucked Up

Rating People Based On Their Genetics Is Kind Of Ethically Fucked Up

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Sure, on an abstract level you might see why people would screen their prospective donor’s genetics, but no one will tell you that doing so is kind of an ethical minefield. We just thought you should know.

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Any Kids You Produce Will Be Doomed To Grow Up In An Increasingly Brutal And Despairing World

Any Kids You Produce Will Be Doomed To Grow Up In An Increasingly Brutal And Despairing World

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There are just some things you can’t control.

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The Nurse Usually Sneaks A Taste Of The Sperm

The Nurse Usually Sneaks A Taste Of The Sperm

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The nurse who collects your sample almost always samples a little dollop of the stuff. Perks of the job, right?

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They Just Throw Your Sperm In Some Busted Chick

They Just Throw Your Sperm In Some Busted Chick

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Most sperm donors would be astonished to learn that they take all that sperm you worked so hard to produce and just toss it into some uggo.

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You Can Come Visit Your Old Sperm Whenever You Want

You Can Come Visit Your Old Sperm Whenever You Want

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Sentimental sperm donors are welcome to go to the visiting room once a month, where they can wave to their old sperm through a glass window.

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Genghis Khan Was Also A Sperm Donor

Genghis Khan Was Also A Sperm Donor

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Everyone thinks Genghis Khan had so many kids because of raping, but it was actually because he needed the extra income to support his empire.

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You’re Better Than Any Infertile Father And His Wife Is Your Wife Now

You’re Better Than Any Infertile Father And His Wife Is Your Wife Now

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Fertility has long been recognized as one of the peak indicators of manhood, so if you’re donating to a couple where the man is infertile, just know that you’re better than him and that his wife is basically your slave.

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Your 23andMe Results Will Be A Fucking Mess

Your 23andMe Results Will Be A Fucking Mess

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Many a sperm donor has been known to overload the 23andMe servers to the point of catching on fire.

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You Can Exchange FrequentMasturbator Points™ For Exclusive Masturbator-Only Perks

You Can Exchange FrequentMasturbator Points™ For Exclusive Masturbator-Only Perks

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Frequent masturbators can spend their points on the Masturbator Market for special prizes like discounted plane flights, magazines, and Masturbator-brand swag.

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Someone In The World Is Willing To Pay For Something You Can Do For Free On The Subway

Someone In The World Is Willing To Pay For Something You Can Do For Free On The Subway

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It absolutely makes zero sense, but your public masturbation kink can actually make you real cash—and fast!

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You Get A Special Symbol On Your Driver’s License

You Get A Special Symbol On Your Driver’s License

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All sperm donors have a special sperm-shaped symbol indicating to paramedics that in the event of death, they should be pumped till they’re dry.

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Your Offspring Will Most Likely Be Drug Addicts And Murderers

Your Offspring Will Most Likely Be Drug Addicts And Murderers

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In over 80% of cases, they didn’t do enough genetic testing, and recessive genes that predispose your offspring to violence and degeneracy will come to the forefront. So maybe think about the type of people you’ll actually bring into the world.

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God Doesn’t Care About This

God Doesn’t Care About This

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Let us be the first to inform you that God doesn’t have much of an opinion on sperm donation either way.

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You Are Technically Still A Virgin

You Are Technically Still A Virgin

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Even though you have hundreds of kids out there in the world, a hand is still a hand.

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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