Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor

Studies show that 100% of men are sperm donors, yet many donors aren’t familiar with all the intricacies of the process. Here are things that no one tells you about being a sperm donor.

Within the safe walls of the sperm donation space, you can orgasm with maximum force and as much torque as you can muster.

Yes, they make you ejaculate into a small plastic container, but it’s really just a formality before dumping the thing into a huge trough filled with jizz.

Rather than a private, windowless room like the clinic would have you expect, all sperm donors are required to masturbate at the center of an auditorium while thousands of audience members watch.

Maybe it’s because of that intoxicating contrast of the sterile test tube with the incredible fertility of your seed, the naughty nature of knowing that other people know you’re masturbating, or simply the phallic imagery of the test tube, but cumming into a test tube is actually kind of hot—hotter than anything else, in fact. Oh god, oh god, we’re imagining it now, that glass tube aching to be filled, pushed up against the scorching hot tip of our—oh. Oh god. It’s over. Okay, back to the slideshow.

After your sperm is brought to the back, a certified expert runs your jizz through a decanter, where it is assessed for fruity, oaky, and dry notes.

If one of your sperm begins to growl, hiss, or bite, you should always try to scare it by standing up tall and making loud noises.

Just a handful of white gush! So bad and weird!

Sure, on an abstract level you might see why people would screen their prospective donor’s genetics, but no one will tell you that doing so is kind of an ethical minefield. We just thought you should know.

There are just some things you can’t control.

The nurse who collects your sample almost always samples a little dollop of the stuff. Perks of the job, right?

Most sperm donors would be astonished to learn that they take all that sperm you worked so hard to produce and just toss it into some uggo.

Sentimental sperm donors are welcome to go to the visiting room once a month, where they can wave to their old sperm through a glass window.

Everyone thinks Genghis Khan had so many kids because of raping, but it was actually because he needed the extra income to support his empire.

Fertility has long been recognized as one of the peak indicators of manhood, so if you’re donating to a couple where the man is infertile, just know that you’re better than him and that his wife is basically your slave.

Frequent masturbators can spend their points on the Masturbator Market for special prizes like discounted plane flights, magazines, and Masturbator-brand swag.

It absolutely makes zero sense, but your public masturbation kink can actually make you real cash—and fast!

All sperm donors have a special sperm-shaped symbol indicating to paramedics that in the event of death, they should be pumped till they’re dry.

In over 80% of cases, they didn’t do enough genetic testing, and recessive genes that predispose your offspring to violence and degeneracy will come to the forefront. So maybe think about the type of people you’ll actually bring into the world.

Let us be the first to inform you that God doesn’t have much of an opinion on sperm donation either way.

Even though you have hundreds of kids out there in the world, a hand is still a hand.

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