Studies show that 100% of men are sperm donors, yet many donors aren’t familiar with all the intricacies of the process. Here are things that no one tells you about being a sperm donor.
You Can Cum As Hard As You Want
Within the safe walls of the sperm donation space, you can orgasm with maximum force and as much torque as you can muster.
All The Sperm Gets Deposited Into A Huge 1,000-Gallon Bucket
Yes, they make you ejaculate into a small plastic container, but it’s really just a formality before dumping the thing into a huge trough filled with jizz.
You Have To Jerk Off In Front Of A Large Crowd
Rather than a private, windowless room like the clinic would have you expect, all sperm donors are required to masturbate at the center of an auditorium while thousands of audience members watch.
Cumming Into A Test Tube Is Actually Kind Of Hot
Maybe it’s because of that intoxicating contrast of the sterile test tube with the incredible fertility of your seed, the naughty nature of knowing that other people know you’re masturbating, or simply the phallic imagery of the test tube, but cumming into a test tube is actually kind of hot—hotter than anything else, in fact. Oh god, oh god, we’re imagining it now, that glass tube aching to be filled, pushed up against the scorching hot tip of our—oh. Oh god. It’s over. Okay, back to the slideshow.
A Sperm Sommelier Personally Assesses Each Sperm Donation For Quality, Smell, And Taste
After your sperm is brought to the back, a certified expert runs your jizz through a decanter, where it is assessed for fruity, oaky, and dry notes.
If A Sperm Starts To Act Aggressively, Try To Make Yourself Look Large
If one of your sperm begins to growl, hiss, or bite, you should always try to scare it by standing up tall and making loud noises.
Sperm Is Stupid
Just a handful of white gush! So bad and weird!
Rating People Based On Their Genetics Is Kind Of Ethically Fucked Up
Sure, on an abstract level you might see why people would screen their prospective donor’s genetics, but no one will tell you that doing so is kind of an ethical minefield. We just thought you should know.
Any Kids You Produce Will Be Doomed To Grow Up In An Increasingly Brutal And Despairing World
There are just some things you can’t control.
The Nurse Usually Sneaks A Taste Of The Sperm
The nurse who collects your sample almost always samples a little dollop of the stuff. Perks of the job, right?
They Just Throw Your Sperm In Some Busted Chick
Most sperm donors would be astonished to learn that they take all that sperm you worked so hard to produce and just toss it into some uggo.
You Can Come Visit Your Old Sperm Whenever You Want
Sentimental sperm donors are welcome to go to the visiting room once a month, where they can wave to their old sperm through a glass window.
Genghis Khan Was Also A Sperm Donor
Everyone thinks Genghis Khan had so many kids because of raping, but it was actually because he needed the extra income to support his empire.
You’re Better Than Any Infertile Father And His Wife Is Your Wife Now
Fertility has long been recognized as one of the peak indicators of manhood, so if you’re donating to a couple where the man is infertile, just know that you’re better than him and that his wife is basically your slave.
Your 23andMe Results Will Be A Fucking Mess
Many a sperm donor has been known to overload the 23andMe servers to the point of catching on fire.
You Can Exchange FrequentMasturbator Points™ For Exclusive Masturbator-Only Perks
Frequent masturbators can spend their points on the Masturbator Market for special prizes like discounted plane flights, magazines, and Masturbator-brand swag.
Someone In The World Is Willing To Pay For Something You Can Do For Free On The Subway
It absolutely makes zero sense, but your public masturbation kink can actually make you real cash—and fast!
You Get A Special Symbol On Your Driver’s License
All sperm donors have a special sperm-shaped symbol indicating to paramedics that in the event of death, they should be pumped till they’re dry.
Your Offspring Will Most Likely Be Drug Addicts And Murderers
In over 80% of cases, they didn’t do enough genetic testing, and recessive genes that predispose your offspring to violence and degeneracy will come to the forefront. So maybe think about the type of people you’ll actually bring into the world.
God Doesn’t Care About This
Let us be the first to inform you that God doesn’t have much of an opinion on sperm donation either way.
You Are Technically Still A Virgin
Even though you have hundreds of kids out there in the world, a hand is still a hand.