Things Nobody Tells You About College Debt

Taking a $200,000 loan may seem like a great idea, but it ends up that free money sometimes has a catch. Here are things that everyone wishes they knew before going into college debt.

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Having A Lot Of It Really Sucks

Sorry to break it to you, but all those people who have been going around telling you how awesome college debt is have not been telling the truth.

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It’s A Figment Of Our Collective Imagination

Sallie Mae’s customer service representatives won’t tell you this but we will.

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You Should Be Able To Pay Off Most Of It By Signing A 10-year, $300 Million Contract With The Los Angeles Dodgers

All you have to do now is convince the team that you’re worth it.

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Humans Have the Highest Amount of College Debt

At a distant second, otters have an average student debt of $11,000 per capita.

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You’ll Never Be Able To Do Anything With Your Life

This isn’t exactly related to loans, but it definitely would have been helpful to hear before you took out a thousands in loans.

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You Can’t Hire An Assassin To Kill It

No, you can’t send $50,000 in crypto to a hitman on the dark web to solve your little problem.

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It’s Not An Aphrodisiac

People with steep student loan debt often erroneously console themselves with the false idea that, if nothing else, it will get them laid.

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It Means You’re A Bad Person

Not having $100,000 saved by the age of 17 reflects poorly on your character and upbringing.

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Changing Haircuts Doesn’t Eliminate Your Loan

Swapping your long layers for a bob or pixie cut doesn’t somehow delete the person who took out the loan in the first place.

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The Fast Casual Dining Perks

Most people don’t know this, but if you provide proof of having over $300,000 in student loans, Applebee’s will give you a free Dollarita dollar margarita!

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It Can’t Be Reasoned With

Student loans are an unstoppable, crushing force of nature that cannot be stopped with pleas to logic or mercy.

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Your University Gym Membership Ends As Soon As You Graduate

You’d think for that much money you’d have a lifetime membership at the University Gym, but nope.

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All The Money You Owe Goes Towards Feeding The Hungry

Bet you feel kinda shitty for not paying off that debt sooner.

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You Can Haggle

If you are skilled in the art of negotiation, you can argue until your sum is lowered to a debt you can pay off in corn, wheat, or well-fed hogs.

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Smells Like Sulfur

The longer you take to repay your student loans, the longer a putrid smell of rotten eggs will emit from every pore in your body.

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Defaulting On Your Loans Will Result in Your Knowledge Being Revoked

If you don’t make your payments, Psych 103 will be repossessed.

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Student Loan Debt Stops You From Doing A Lot Of Stuff You Weren’t Going To Do Anyway

Getting married, owning a car, owning a house—these are things you were never interested in that are now completely unavailable.

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It Can Be Paid Back In A Lump Sum Or Over The Course Of Several Lifetimes

Whatever is easiest for your current budget.

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The President Could Cancel All 1.5 Trillion Of It With The Stroke Of A Pen With No Impact On Spending Or Inflation

Somehow the most fucked up part of it all.