Things Nobody Tells You About Renovating An Old House

While you won’t have to learn anything too crazy, experts recommend attaining a basic mastery of stonemasonry, welding, painting, carpentry, glass-blowing, wood-carving, and tapestry-weaving before trying to fix anything up.

Using your neighbor’s home as a trial run is a great way to make sure you really know how to use that jack hammer before you take it to your own house.

“Character” does not matter to anyone. Nobody gives a fuck how old your house is. Save yourself a headache, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and just buy some fucking piece of tract bullshit to stuff all your electronics and kids.

That house? Up on the hill? Folks don’t go there anymore. Ever since the night of July 11, twenty years ago. You’ve been warned: There’s something wrong with that house.

While you’re renovating this place, stay the hell away from my gorgeous daughter. You sleep out in the barn, understood? Do that, and we’ll be fine.

Yeah, unfortunately, we’ve got to order the part in custom, so it won’t come cheap. Sorry. Wish we had better news.

Chip’s faith is very important to him. He’s fast, too, so be careful.

A common occurrence in old houses built in bleaker times, check the attic for a skeleton dangling from a rope on your very first visit and then decide whether you want to keep it.

Keep this in mind upfront so you can say farewell to friends and loved ones before embarking on this renovation.

You’ve been blaming yourself for years, but you need to let it go. The stress and expense of trying to renovate that old colonial you grew up in put an unmanaged strain on an already difficult relationship. You were just collateral damage.

Go ahead and remove that ’50s-era wall-to-wall carpet so you can expose the exquisite original black void underneath.

At nearly $200 a pair, the cost of stylish pastel coveralls to wear while you pose with a sledgehammer can add up fast.

The homeowners’ association is going to break your fucking legs if you try to paint that house a color that didn’t exist in 1770.

You think it’s just Phillips and flathead right? Well, be prepared to be driven to the point of madness, you ignorant little naif.

If you want new bathroom fixtures, you’re going to have to remove the old ones first.

Good job ruining a beautiful traditional look with new modern twists that will look fucking dated and garish in five years, you stupid moron.

Repeat this as a mantra to yourself, and enjoy the ease of mind and spirit that accompanies delusion.

It may have high ceilings and intricate mantelpiece carvings, but the odds of that old Victorian having a 7-foot replica of the alien bounty hunter from 1987’s Predator are virtually zero.

When purchasing a home, you are entering a mutual agreement with the house that one another’s offspring will be kept free of interference.

Listen, we know you’re in over your head, drowning in debt, the whole family’s living out of a single room on the second floor while you renovate, but some times, it’s almost like you’re going out of your way to make mistakes.

If it’s old enough, the house predates the planet, so you’ll have to factor in buying a parcel of land to set it down on.