Whatever happens to Democrats this election, their unceasing disrespect for voters’ time, privacy, and intelligence prove they deserve it. Here are things people hate the most about Democratic fundraising emails.
They Never Ask How You’re Doing
MoveOn doesn’t seem to give a fuck that you had surgery last week.
They Ask For Money Without Promising A Big Payout
There’s a reason why the Nigerian prince was so successful.
Calling You “Dumb Money Faucets”
Speaker Pelosi, watch your mouth.
Getting Mixed Up With Real Emails from Barack Obama
People are tired of accidentally deleting Barry’s game night thread while trying to clean up their inboxes.
They Never Respond When You Send Them Fundraising Emails
It’s starting to feel pretty one-sided.
Email Alert Goes Off While Hiding From Home Intruder
In addition to being annoying, a fundraising email causing your phone to ping as you cower in a closet while holding your breath is another reason to hate the Democrats.
You Just Got Another
Oh, what the fuck?
Not Enough Exclamation Points
If there aren’t at least 10 in the subject line, who is even going to click?
Already Went Bankrupt Donating To Amy McGrath
After losing everything to back McConnell’s 2020 challenger who never really had a shot, the last thing you want to see is another request for money.
Having To Reply To Each One With Hateful, Specific Death Threats
It takes a lot of time and effort to craft thoughtful responses.
Americans would be far more likely to donate to Democrats if they promised most of it would go to Republicans.
We would remember to donate if they asked more.
The Picture Of Your Sick Mom They Send With Each One
Even if it does tug at your heartstrings, Democrats should think twice before sending you a photo of the beloved matriarch of your family in a hospital bed.
Exploiting Obama’s Friendship For Money
This is not only ineffective but also tacky.
They Always Need More Adrenochrome
Even though they always say it’s the last time, party leaders are always begging for more of your child’s freshly harvested adrenochrome.
The Graphic Descriptions Of Bestiality
Though traditionally included in the first paragraph of all fundraising emails, many readers question whether this part is necessary.
The Subject Line “Do You Want To Control Lightning?” Is Misleading
No tips on how to summon electricity from the sky, just Steny Hoyer asking for a quick buck.
Makes It Hard To Keep Track Of All Your Other Spam
It’s annoying to sift through all the donation requests from random politicians to get to the expired coupons from random companies.
The Only Escape Is Death
You know what you have to do, so just do it.