Things To Never Say To A Taylor Swift Fan

Things To Never Say To A Taylor Swift Fan

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Too many innocent people to count have died at the hands of devout Swifties, hell-bent on revenge. For your own safety, never say these things to a Taylor Swift fan.

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“Her negligence led to a massive ground beef recall.”

“Her negligence led to a massive ground beef recall.”

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Unless you have a death wish, we would avoid blaming Taylor for any nationwide E. coli outbreaks.

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“We have no idea where Taylor Swift was the morning of April 19th, 1995.”

“We have no idea where Taylor Swift was the morning of April 19th, 1995.”

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Sure, we’ve been told that Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols had no help blowing up the FBI headquarters in Oklahoma City, but Taylor’s lack of an alibi can’t be ignored.

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“I don’t care if you got tickets, young lady. You’re not going out on a school night.”

“I don’t care if you got tickets, young lady. You’re not going out on a school night.”

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Mom, come on!

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“She doesn’t even design her own album art.”

“She doesn’t even design her own album art.”

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Taylor’s fans hate being confronted with the fact that her Photoshop and Illustrator skills are mediocre at best.

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“Her Capital One ads are uninspired.”

“Her Capital One ads are uninspired.”

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This is very insulting because all Taylor Swift fans watch these commercials on a loop for several hours each day.

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“Every musician has their strengths and weaknesses.”

“Every musician has their strengths and weaknesses.”

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Eat shit and die, how about that?

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“I loved her ‘Piano Man’ era.”

“I loved her ‘Piano Man’ era.”

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This is a common mistake, but that’s actually Billy Joel.

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“The Ticketmaster/LiveNation merger was extremely problematic long before you saw fit to take notice.”

“The Ticketmaster/LiveNation merger was extremely problematic long before you saw fit to take notice.”

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Look, an antitrust ally is an antitrust ally, regardless of how they got there, okay?

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“My favorite folklore is ‘Botan Dōrō.’”

“My favorite folklore is ‘Botan Dōrō.’”

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No offense to the Japanese people, but this haunting parable about loving a ghost has nothing on the song “cardigan.”

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“I know that her nice girl image is fake because she regularly eggs my house.”

“I know that her nice girl image is fake because she regularly eggs my house.”

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No need to ruin the façade for them too.

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“She can only summon lightning when it’s stormy out.”

“She can only summon lightning when it’s stormy out.”

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Taylor can and will strike you dead by lightning on a sunny day just for saying that.

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“More people are deserving of the Nobel Prize in physics.”

“More people are deserving of the Nobel Prize in physics.”

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I guess you haven’t read her research as the lead scientist of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN.

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“I’ve written more songs about John Mayer.”

“I’ve written more songs about John Mayer.”

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That’s just a weird thing to brag about.

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“She can’t dance!”

“She can’t dance!”

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Well, neither could Martin Luther King Jr., but we still listen to all his bops.

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“Taylor Swift is just a stage name. Her real name is Ogbert McCarthy.”

“Taylor Swift is just a stage name. Her real name is Ogbert McCarthy.”

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Don’t be mean, there’s no need to spoil her mystique.

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Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.”

Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.”

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While it’s fair to say that Midnights doesn’t hold a candle to Wagner’s 15-hour epic opera, it’s not nice to remind people about that.

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“She’s just for teen girls.”

“She’s just for teen girls.”

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No, she was just for teen girls, but now those teen girls are 30 and have developed an appetite for revenge.

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“The dubstep icon?”

“The dubstep icon?”

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Swifties have worked hard to forget Taylor’s brief electronic dance music phase back in the aughts.

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“I work for Ticketmaster.”

“I work for Ticketmaster.”

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You really shouldn’t tell anybody that.

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“I’m really only into K-Pop”

“I’m really only into K-Pop”

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It’s just a matter of time before she dominates that genre as well.

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“She’s going to die someday, just like everyone else.”

“She’s going to die someday, just like everyone else.”

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No, you’ll die someday. And according to the posts on Taylor Swift message boards, that day is today.

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