Things To Never Say To A TSA Officer

Things To Never Say To A TSA Officer

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Although you may want to say vaguely threatening things to everyone at the airport, it’s best to be careful around certain people. Here are things you should never say to a Transportation Security Administration officer.

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“I brought my own metal detector from home.”

“I brought my own metal detector from home.”

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If they let you do it, they’d have to let everyone do it.

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“You dropped my laptop.”

“You dropped my laptop.”

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Don’t tell them how to do their job.

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“If you let me bring my soda through the checkpoint, I’ll let you have a little sip.”

“If you let me bring my soda through the checkpoint, I’ll let you have a little sip.”

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This only works with Starbucks Frappuccinos.

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“I got in the screening bin, and now I can’t get out.”

“I got in the screening bin, and now I can’t get out.”

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If they help you now, you’ll never learn your lesson.

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“I’ve got something dangerous with me, but it’s hidden in a part of my body that you’ll never find.”

“I’ve got something dangerous with me, but it’s hidden in a part of my body that you’ll never find.”

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This will only make them more determined to find it.

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“What do you mean I can’t bring a gun onto the plane?”

“What do you mean I can’t bring a gun onto the plane?”

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If you really want one, you’re welcome to buy an overpriced firearm from the Hudson News.

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“If you could be a bomb, what kind of bomb would you want to be?”

“If you could be a bomb, what kind of bomb would you want to be?”

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There are much better topics for small talk.

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“You think people who work at the train station are happier than you?”

“You think people who work at the train station are happier than you?”

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Don’t wade in to intra-transportation tension that you don’t understand.

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“Hey, I’m just a nonthreatening Arab.”

“Hey, I’m just a nonthreatening Arab.”

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Yeah, right, good luck finding a non-bigoted TSA officer.

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“Can we speed this up? I’m going to miss hijacking—I mean, boarding my flight safely.”

“Can we speed this up? I’m going to miss hijacking—I mean, boarding my flight safely.”

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If you rush them, they’re only going to drag it out more.

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“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.”

“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.”

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The worst thing you can do to a TSA agent is use Nietzsche to force them into introspection.

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“So did ya ever meet bin Laden?”

“So did ya ever meet bin Laden?”

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Only high-level TSA officials got to meet him, so it’s kind of rude to remind them they lost that promotion.

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“When can I pat you down?”

“When can I pat you down?”

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These glorified police aren’t worthy of being sexually harassed.

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“Are there any alternative X-ray machines that won’t give me cancer I can use?”

“Are there any alternative X-ray machines that won’t give me cancer I can use?”

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Unfortunately, the TSA officer doesn’t have time to show you a different machine in a different part of the airport that won’t give you some horrible cancer when they scan you for a bomb.

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“How come you’re not one of the pilots?”

“How come you’re not one of the pilots?”

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It’s not nice to rub someone’s lost dream in their face.

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“I tried to join al-Qaeda, but they wouldn’t take me because of culture-fit concerns.”

“I tried to join al-Qaeda, but they wouldn’t take me because of culture-fit concerns.”

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They’re not going to appreciate your candor as much as you think.

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“As a TSA PreCheck member, I get to bring as many samurai swords as I want.”

“As a TSA PreCheck member, I get to bring as many samurai swords as I want.”

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Relaxed security doesn’t allow you to bring a basket of handguns either.

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“The metal you’re detecting is from a thermometer I shoved up my urethra. Don’t worry, it’s just a fetish I have.”

“The metal you’re detecting is from a thermometer I shoved up my urethra. Don’t worry, it’s just a fetish I have.”

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Jeez, just say it’s a medical thing.

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“I’d like to opt for an extra-handsy pat-down please.”

“I’d like to opt for an extra-handsy pat-down please.”

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The federal government will decide the degree of handsiness with which to grope you, thanks.

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“Is it fun to get to be racist at work?”

“Is it fun to get to be racist at work?”

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They’re asked to be racist, though not all are.

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“I have a medical reason to be shitfaced and waving around an axe.”

“I have a medical reason to be shitfaced and waving around an axe.”

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They’ve heard that excuse a million times.

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