Although you may want to say vaguely threatening things to everyone at the airport, it’s best to be careful around certain people. Here are things you should never say to a Transportation Security Administration officer.
Things To Never Say To A TSA Officer
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“I brought my own metal detector from home.”
“I brought my own metal detector from home.”
If they let you do it, they’d have to let everyone do it.
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“You dropped my laptop.”
“You dropped my laptop.”
Don’t tell them how to do their job.
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“If you let me bring my soda through the checkpoint, I’ll let you have a little sip.”
“If you let me bring my soda through the checkpoint, I’ll let you have a little sip.”
This only works with Starbucks Frappuccinos.
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“I got in the screening bin, and now I can’t get out.”
“I got in the screening bin, and now I can’t get out.”
If they help you now, you’ll never learn your lesson.
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“I’ve got something dangerous with me, but it’s hidden in a part of my body that you’ll never find.”
“I’ve got something dangerous with me, but it’s hidden in a part of my body that you’ll never find.”
This will only make them more determined to find it.
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“What do you mean I can’t bring a gun onto the plane?”
“What do you mean I can’t bring a gun onto the plane?”
If you really want one, you’re welcome to buy an overpriced firearm from the Hudson News.
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“If you could be a bomb, what kind of bomb would you want to be?”
“If you could be a bomb, what kind of bomb would you want to be?”
There are much better topics for small talk.
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“You think people who work at the train station are happier than you?”
“You think people who work at the train station are happier than you?”
Don’t wade in to intra-transportation tension that you don’t understand.
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“Hey, I’m just a nonthreatening Arab.”
“Hey, I’m just a nonthreatening Arab.”
Yeah, right, good luck finding a non-bigoted TSA officer.
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“Can we speed this up? I’m going to miss hijacking—I mean, boarding my flight safely.”
“Can we speed this up? I’m going to miss hijacking—I mean, boarding my flight safely.”
If you rush them, they’re only going to drag it out more.
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“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.”
“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.”
The worst thing you can do to a TSA agent is use Nietzsche to force them into introspection.
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“So did ya ever meet bin Laden?”
“So did ya ever meet bin Laden?”
Only high-level TSA officials got to meet him, so it’s kind of rude to remind them they lost that promotion.
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“When can I pat you down?”
“When can I pat you down?”
These glorified police aren’t worthy of being sexually harassed.
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“Are there any alternative X-ray machines that won’t give me cancer I can use?”
“Are there any alternative X-ray machines that won’t give me cancer I can use?”
Unfortunately, the TSA officer doesn’t have time to show you a different machine in a different part of the airport that won’t give you some horrible cancer when they scan you for a bomb.
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“How come you’re not one of the pilots?”
“How come you’re not one of the pilots?”
It’s not nice to rub someone’s lost dream in their face.
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“I tried to join al-Qaeda, but they wouldn’t take me because of culture-fit concerns.”
“I tried to join al-Qaeda, but they wouldn’t take me because of culture-fit concerns.”
They’re not going to appreciate your candor as much as you think.
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“As a TSA PreCheck member, I get to bring as many samurai swords as I want.”
“As a TSA PreCheck member, I get to bring as many samurai swords as I want.”
Relaxed security doesn’t allow you to bring a basket of handguns either.
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“The metal you’re detecting is from a thermometer I shoved up my urethra. Don’t worry, it’s just a fetish I have.”
“The metal you’re detecting is from a thermometer I shoved up my urethra. Don’t worry, it’s just a fetish I have.”
Jeez, just say it’s a medical thing.
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“I’d like to opt for an extra-handsy pat-down please.”
“I’d like to opt for an extra-handsy pat-down please.”
The federal government will decide the degree of handsiness with which to grope you, thanks.
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“Is it fun to get to be racist at work?”
“Is it fun to get to be racist at work?”
They’re asked to be racist, though not all are.
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“I have a medical reason to be shitfaced and waving around an axe.”
“I have a medical reason to be shitfaced and waving around an axe.”
They’ve heard that excuse a million times.
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