Being unable to lactate does make you a bad mother, but you’re not supposed to admit that. Never say the following things to someone who can’t breastfeed.
“Have you tried removing your gilded breastplate?”
How would giving the Athenian wretches a foothold to attack Sparta help the child?
“Isn’t your kid, like, 20?”
Every family is different.
“I had so many lactating breasts that I had to get over a dozen surgically removed.”
No need to rub in your good fortune.
“Your baby prefers Pepsi anyway.”
I’m sure they wish their breasts could produce soda, too.
“It was super easy for the wolf that nursed Romulus and Remus.”
Well, good for that wolf, but it’s not easy for everyone.
“But you’re the dad.”
Can’t a man be upset that he’s not pulling his weight around here?
“Have you tried swapping out your baby for a different one?”
Obviously, that is the first thing they tried.
“I was fed formula as an infant and died instantly.”
Fear-mongering is more impactful when it’s somewhat believable.
“Would you like to borrow my nipples?”
It’s a nice thought, but it’ll only remind them of the nipples they don’t have.
“You look ridiculous in those shorts.”
Although it’s not relevant to breastfeeding, it’s a pretty insensitive thing to say.
“Is Muscle Milk okay?”
Only if their personal trainer okayed it.
“Have you tried turning them off and back on?”
Do you really think they haven’t tried that already?
“At least your spouse can still enjoy them.”
Reducing their breasts to sexual objects is not the compliment you think it is.
“Frankly, baby could stand to skip a meal.”
Body-shaming infants is not cool, even when they are total porkers.
“Lemme slap some sense into that kid.”
Your offer to thrash an infant is not going to be received all that well.
“Nourishment is overrated anyway.”
Nice try, but you’re not going to convince them that nutrients are overhyped.
“Remember, you have a second breast if the first isn’t working.”
Boobs really aren’t hard to count, so there’s also no reason to point two fingers at their chest.
“Don’t worry, baby formula is very safe and so easy to find.”
It’s not as if there’ll be a recall after a few baby deaths or a subsequent national shortage made worse by trade policies and supply-chain problems.