Things To Never Say To Your Amazon Delivery Driver

Things To Never Say To Your Amazon Delivery Driver

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Gig economy workers may be subhuman, but they still deserve a modicum of respect. Here are things you should never say to your Amazon delivery driver.

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“Bet you can’t break this full nelson.”

“Bet you can’t break this full nelson.”

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Even if they can quickly break the hold, drivers can still get fired for even the slightest pause in their deliveries.

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“You hit my car.”

“You hit my car.”

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Even if they did, they don’t get paid enough to care.

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“Boo!”

“Boo!”

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Amazon delivery drivers scare easily.

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“You made our Christmas dreams come true!”

“You made our Christmas dreams come true!”

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Please don’t saddle your delivery person with the commodification of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

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“This took two days to be delivered? What took so long?”

“This took two days to be delivered? What took so long?”

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It’s not their fault the toilet paper from a factory across the world took an extremely long 48 hours.

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“Me and the UPS guy were just talking shit about you.”

“Me and the UPS guy were just talking shit about you.”

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Don’t stoke this rivalry any further.

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“Here, take this small bag of chips to make your day less miserable.”

“Here, take this small bag of chips to make your day less miserable.”

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They are required to hand all complimentary snacks over to Jeff Bezos.

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“Alexa, just leave the boxes at the door.”

“Alexa, just leave the boxes at the door.”

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Not everyone who works for Amazon does your bidding at the drop of a hat when you say the magic word.

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“I have your DNA now.”

“I have your DNA now.”

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DNA is on every package a delivery person drops off, and Amazon Ring comes with a kit to extract DNA from nearly any surface and catalog it.

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“The eucharist is just a symbolic representation of Christ’s grace.”

“The eucharist is just a symbolic representation of Christ’s grace.”

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Wrong! Amazon delivery drivers know it’s His body and blood.

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“Sorry about my dog that I trained to attack delivery drivers.”

“Sorry about my dog that I trained to attack delivery drivers.”

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Why would you do that?!

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“Can I borrow your van to commit a bank heist?”

“Can I borrow your van to commit a bank heist?”

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It would make a great getaway vehicle, sure, but they need it for their job.

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“This was for my other house, can you take it back?”

“This was for my other house, can you take it back?”

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No need to gloat.

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“Without you, I wouldn’t have so many of the brown boxes to recycle.”

“Without you, I wouldn’t have so many of the brown boxes to recycle.”

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Delivery drivers are more than just the people who bring you brown boxes.

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“Can you move in with me and help assemble all the things I ordered?”

“Can you move in with me and help assemble all the things I ordered?”

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Maybe after they finish all their deliveries, but not now.

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“I can pee anytime I choose.”

“I can pee anytime I choose.”

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Don’t rub it in.

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“Wanna see a dead body?”

“Wanna see a dead body?”

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They see enough of those, thanks.

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“It’s not me, it’s you”

“It’s not me, it’s you”

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It’s delivery, not a break up.

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“I could never afford all these deliveries if you weren’t paid so little!”

“I could never afford all these deliveries if you weren’t paid so little!”

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They know.

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