Gig economy workers may be subhuman, but they still deserve a modicum of respect. Here are things you should never say to your Amazon delivery driver.
“Bet you can’t break this full nelson.”
Even if they can quickly break the hold, drivers can still get fired for even the slightest pause in their deliveries.
“You hit my car.”
Even if they did, they don’t get paid enough to care.
Amazon delivery drivers scare easily.
“You made our Christmas dreams come true!”
Please don’t saddle your delivery person with the commodification of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
“This took two days to be delivered? What took so long?”
It’s not their fault the toilet paper from a factory across the world took an extremely long 48 hours.
“Me and the UPS guy were just talking shit about you.”
Don’t stoke this rivalry any further.
“Here, take this small bag of chips to make your day less miserable.”
They are required to hand all complimentary snacks over to Jeff Bezos.
“Alexa, just leave the boxes at the door.”
Not everyone who works for Amazon does your bidding at the drop of a hat when you say the magic word.
“I have your DNA now.”
DNA is on every package a delivery person drops off, and Amazon Ring comes with a kit to extract DNA from nearly any surface and catalog it.
“The eucharist is just a symbolic representation of Christ’s grace.”
Wrong! Amazon delivery drivers know it’s His body and blood.
“Sorry about my dog that I trained to attack delivery drivers.”
Why would you do that?!
“Can I borrow your van to commit a bank heist?”
It would make a great getaway vehicle, sure, but they need it for their job.
“This was for my other house, can you take it back?”
No need to gloat.
“Without you, I wouldn’t have so many of the brown boxes to recycle.”
Delivery drivers are more than just the people who bring you brown boxes.
“Can you move in with me and help assemble all the things I ordered?”
Maybe after they finish all their deliveries, but not now.
“I can pee anytime I choose.”
Don’t rub it in.
“Wanna see a dead body?”
They see enough of those, thanks.
“It’s not me, it’s you”
It’s delivery, not a break up.
“I could never afford all these deliveries if you weren’t paid so little!”