“It’s been a month since Mommy died, stop your whining about it.”
Most psychologists recommend at least 60 days before chastising your child for grieving.
“The best part is seeing the light drain from their eyes.”
Let children form their own opinions on the most satisfying part of killing a man.
“Shut up and keep digging.”
There are always a million distractions when there’s a death in the family, but it’s important to still make time for the child who’s helping you dig the hole.
“Grandpa’s soul is in heaven now.”
It may seem comforting, but if your child gets to heaven and doesn’t see Grandpa, they’ll have trust issues for the rest of their afterlife.
“This opening sequence from Saving Private Ryan should answer most of your questions.”
If nothing else, it’ll pause the questions for a good 10 minutes.
“Your mom is great in the sack.”
Sure, they’ll immediately want to stop talking, but it doesn’t solve the death thing.
“Here’s an Xbox!”
Death = presents? Who’s next?
“This is exactly what happens when you don’t eat your vegetables.”
The FDA advises against using death to reinforce nutrition.
That’s a lot of pressure to put on a kid. Instead, say, “Try to avenge me.”
“The insurance company did everything they could.”
Experts say it’s better to just be honest with your kid.
“Don’t worry, they make coffins in your size.”
Not the time to make your kids feel included.
“When you die, your dog immediately forgets you.”
Never tell a child that their beloved pup will simply attach itself to whoever starts feeding it next.
“There are actually fates worse than death.”
You can’t ease a child’s anxiety by reminding them they could be imprisoned in their own bodies, alive and conscious but unable to move, see, hear, or speak.
“Ghosts and zombies have to come from somewhere.”
While good information, your child likely wasn’t asking about the origins of the kinds of monsters they have nightmares about.
“Grandma’s in a much, much worse place now”
Actually, nobody’s ever said this to a kid before. Try it and let us know how it goes?
“You will die too, someday, whereas I will live forever.”
Nobody likes a bragger.
“Grandma’s not dead! She’s dancing!”
Talking about death is difficult but that’s no excuse for an elaborate series of wires and pulleys used to puppet your dead mother-in-law
“You call that a grave?”
Preparing a burial with your child can be a better bonding experience if you don’t critique their shoveling technique.
“It’s like going to sleep but you just never wake up.”
Way to turn bedtime into a fucking minefield.
“They’re in a better place now, a permanent end to consciousness.”
You’re supposed to name some fake place they go, like heaven.
“You could be next.”
Most children survive to adulthood. Say that instead.