Things You Should Never Do On Your Work Computer

You’re salaried, so you’re getting paid whether you send in that report by close of business or spend the whole day surfing Facebook.

Communicating any fully formed original thoughts in writing is typically the first domino to fall on the way to being fired.

If you absolutely must research how to murder your supervisor and dispose of the body during work hours, consider using incognito mode.

Save time and broaden the conversation by posting it to a channel the whole company has access to.

It’s not wise to use your company computer for personal entertainment or you risk blurring the line between work time and fun time.

While the image of a man’s wiener swinging around in a circle can lead to a good laugh around the office, the plug-in no longer works on your company computer.

Listen, you’re the one who made a really big deal about knowing all of the state capitals to begin with.

Not only unprofessional, but your employer might decide to lower your wages if they find out you have any disposable income.

An absence of keystrokes will usually be interpreted as shirking job responsibilities or masturbating.

Your employer would actually love it if you found a new job and spared them the awkward conversation they’re planning for Friday afternoon.

Fuck, you were just trying to hit caps lock, and now you’re packing up all your things into a little cardboard box. Ugh. Just your luck.

HR frowns on any significant misuse of company time, and no matter how often you explain to them that he’s your favorite Looney Tunes character and that’s why you look at him, they aren’t going to understand.

Your coworkers support you in your unbounded admiration of circles, triangles, and even squares, but you’re using a lot of toner in the process.

You can be charged by your company for any damage caused by au jus spilling on your computer.

You’re only getting paid $14 an hour, there’s absolutely no need to go the extra mile here.

Please, dear God, bored people killing time at work is all we have.

While this is totally fine on your personal computer, the last thing you want is for HR to catch you painstakingly blending your boss’s neck with that of a nude model.

They could be anyone, so never respond to emails or IMs from a single person at your company, even people claiming to be your superiors.

Trust us, you don’t want IT to have to beam in and save you from a game boss right before he slices your head off with a digital sword.

Googling this once will likely fly under the radar, but typing it in with your boss’s name and company’s address will likely set off some red flags.

If you want to know how much your boss’s house is worth, it’s much more professional to just ask.