Things You Should Never Say If You’re Accused Of A Crime

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If you ever find yourself in an interrogation room, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Before you call your lawyer, do everything in your power to avoid saying these things.

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“I only murdered that guy because he saw me murder the other guy.”

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While the police will certainly empathize, this still counts as a double murder.

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“Police are wasting time on me when they should be out there looking for the real killer.”

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Don’t belittle yourself; time spent with you is never a waste.

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“The only reason I committed murder was because a talking dog told me to.”

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Sorry, but even if it’s true, this is the oldest excuse in the book.

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“But what about all the people I didn’t kill?”

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Nice try, but not killing 8 billion people doesn’t negate the one guy you did.

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“Baba Booey, Baba Booey!”

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It might get a laugh, but it’s pretty played out by now.

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“I swallowed the gun and you will never find it.”

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Unfortunately there are many ways to extract a gun from a stomach.

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“When you think about it, isn’t it really society that’s responsible for crime?”

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While this is a complex and nuanced take, you’re still holding the murder weapon.

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“I’m under arrest? No, you’re under arrest!”

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While citizens’ arrests are fine and good, at least wait until the interrogation is done to avoid suspicion.

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“I’m into incest porn.”

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Although not unrelated to your alleged crime, it’s probably best to keep that between you and your therapist.

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“I will give you money not to tell anyone.”

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You don’t have any money, and you’ll be in real trouble when they find out.

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“I’m sure my friend Mr. Stouffer can sort out this whole misunderstanding.”

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Never attempt to bribe police by discreetly passing them a frozen French bread pizza.

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“That’s not even the worst one!”

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Criminals can often find themselves in more trouble because it’s so fun to brag.

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“I always visit a crime scene on my morning walk.”

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Saying how you admired the criminal’s extremely detailed and violent work isn’t really going to help you either.

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“Bark bark! Bark bark bark!”

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They know you’re not a German shepherd and pretending to be will only add “imposter” to their list of accusations.

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“If you open my trunk and find the body of someone, I’ve never met him.”

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This also goes for the guy buried under the bridge, the guy thrown in the river, and the guy chopped up in a garbage can outside your house.

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“Oops.”

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Rarely holds up in court.

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“Sorry, that’s one body I can’t help you find.”

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The apology is appreciated, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re essentially useless to the police now.

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“I can’t have done it, I was shooting Archduke Ferdinand in Sarajevo!”

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Gavrilo Princip has already been apprehended and confessed, you idiot.

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“I would never have killed him that way.”

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While notes are appreciated, cops already know how to wear gloves and scrub the scene.

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“I did it.”

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Things You Should Never Say If You’re Accused Of A Crime

“I only murdered that guy because he saw me murder the other guy.”

“I only murdered that guy because he saw me murder the other guy.”

While the police will certainly empathize, this still counts as a double murder.

While the police will certainly empathize, this still counts as a double murder.

“Police are wasting time on me when they should be out there looking for the real killer.”

“Police are wasting time on me when they should be out there looking for the real killer.”

Don’t belittle yourself; time spent with you is never a waste.

Don’t belittle yourself; time spent with you is never a waste.

“The only reason I committed murder was because a talking dog told me to.”

“The only reason I committed murder was because a talking dog told me to.”

Sorry, but even if it’s true, this is the oldest excuse in the book.

Sorry, but even if it’s true, this is the oldest excuse in the book.

“But what about all the people I didn’t kill?”

“But what about all the people I didn’t kill?”

Nice try, but not killing 8 billion people doesn’t negate the one guy you did.

Nice try, but not killing 8 billion people doesn’t negate the one guy you did.

“Baba Booey, Baba Booey!”

“Baba Booey, Baba Booey!”

It might get a laugh, but it’s pretty played out by now.

It might get a laugh, but it’s pretty played out by now.

“I swallowed the gun and you will never find it.”

“I swallowed the gun and you will never find it.”

Unfortunately there are many ways to extract a gun from a stomach.

Unfortunately there are many ways to extract a gun from a stomach.

“When you think about it, isn’t it really society that’s responsible for crime?”

“When you think about it, isn’t it really society that’s responsible for crime?”

While this is a complex and nuanced take, you’re still holding the murder weapon.

While this is a complex and nuanced take, you’re still holding the murder weapon.

“I’m under arrest? No, you’re under arrest!”

“I’m under arrest? No, you’re under arrest!”

While citizens’ arrests are fine and good, at least wait until the interrogation is done to avoid suspicion.

While citizens’ arrests are fine and good, at least wait until the interrogation is done to avoid suspicion.

“I’m into incest porn.”

“I’m into incest porn.”

Although not unrelated to your alleged crime, it’s probably best to keep that between you and your therapist.

Although not unrelated to your alleged crime, it’s probably best to keep that between you and your therapist.

“I will give you money not to tell anyone.”

“I will give you money not to tell anyone.”

You don’t have any money, and you’ll be in real trouble when they find out.

You don’t have any money, and you’ll be in real trouble when they find out.

“I’m sure my friend Mr. Stouffer can sort out this whole misunderstanding.”

“I’m sure my friend Mr. Stouffer can sort out this whole misunderstanding.”

Never attempt to bribe police by discreetly passing them a frozen French bread pizza.

Never attempt to bribe police by discreetly passing them a frozen French bread pizza.

“That’s not even the worst one!”

“That’s not even the worst one!”

Criminals can often find themselves in more trouble because it’s so fun to brag.

Criminals can often find themselves in more trouble because it’s so fun to brag.

“I always visit a crime scene on my morning walk.”

“I always visit a crime scene on my morning walk.”

Saying how you admired the criminal’s extremely detailed and violent work isn’t really going to help you either.

Saying how you admired the criminal’s extremely detailed and violent work isn’t really going to help you either.

“Bark bark! Bark bark bark!”

“Bark bark! Bark bark bark!”

They know you’re not a German shepherd and pretending to be will only add “imposter” to their list of accusations.

They know you’re not a German shepherd and pretending to be will only add “imposter” to their list of accusations.

“If you open my trunk and find the body of someone, I’ve never met him.”

“If you open my trunk and find the body of someone, I’ve never met him.”

This also goes for the guy buried under the bridge, the guy thrown in the river, and the guy chopped up in a garbage can outside your house.

This also goes for the guy buried under the bridge, the guy thrown in the river, and the guy chopped up in a garbage can outside your house.

“Oops.”

“Oops.”

Rarely holds up in court.

Rarely holds up in court.

“Sorry, that’s one body I can’t help you find.”

“Sorry, that’s one body I can’t help you find.”

The apology is appreciated, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re essentially useless to the police now.

The apology is appreciated, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re essentially useless to the police now.

“I can’t have done it, I was shooting Archduke Ferdinand in Sarajevo!”

“I can’t have done it, I was shooting Archduke Ferdinand in Sarajevo!”

Gavrilo Princip has already been apprehended and confessed, you idiot.

Gavrilo Princip has already been apprehended and confessed, you idiot.

“I would never have killed him that way.”

“I would never have killed him that way.”

While notes are appreciated, cops already know how to wear gloves and scrub the scene.

While notes are appreciated, cops already know how to wear gloves and scrub the scene.

“I did it.”

“I did it.”

You fool! They had nothing!