Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse

2 / 26

“When you’re done intubating me, can I get some garlic rolls?”

Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden.

3 / 26

“Nurse! Come quick!”

It’s proper etiquette to mail a formal invitation requesting the nurse’s presence in your room at least three weeks in advance.

4 / 26

“I’m in so much pain.”

You’re in an intensive care unit, so telling a nurse something this obvious is pretty patronizing.

5 / 26

“Excuse me, miss, could you pull your mask back up?”

So that’s how you want to thank our brave heroes? By literally suffocating them?

6 / 26

“You heard about this thing that’s been going around? They’re calling it Covid.”

Nurses are too busy to deal with meaningless small talk about things no one has heard of.

7 / 26

“Why should I wear masks when birds don’t?”

ICU nurses are already close to their breaking point without having to figure out what the fuck you even mean by this.

8 / 26

“Are you Grey’s Anatomy?”

Where did you find that morphine pump?

9 / 26

“Have you ever accidentally killed any of your patients?”

Of course they have! Don’t ask stupid questions.

10 / 26

“I only want to be treated in accordance with this YouTube video.”

You want to be treated with 100,000 milligrams of Vitamin C and pieces of your own hair, you do that shit at home.

11 / 26

“Can I have a second bedpan?”

Not until you’ve finished filling your first.

12 / 26

“I’ve got a surprise for you in my liver.”

ICU nurses hate surprises.

13 / 26

“How do you survive on $3 million a year?”

Between their mansions, beach houses, and Maseratis, most nurses are barely scraping by on seven figures.

14 / 26

“You look shapeless in that nursewear.”

Most ICU nurses are very self-conscious about the loose-fitting hospital scrubs that don’t show off their fit, toned bodies.

15 / 26

“Can you sneak me some opioids?”

That will be openly and quickly prescribed to you by your doctor.

16 / 26

“At least you get summers off.”

That’d be a condescending thing to say even if you didn’t confuse teachers with nurses.

17 / 26

“Is Covid nice in real life?”

Covid is not a celebrity, so don’t ask if it’s nice or stuck-up or really hot in person.

18 / 26

“I can’t operate on this patient, he’s my son.”

Nurses are so sick of trying to figure out this riddle.

19 / 26

“You have it pretty easy here, don’t you?”

It’s not nice to comment on how incredibly easy and pointless many people’s jobs are.

20 / 26

“Tell me about your favorite patient’s death.”

Eh, they all kind of blend together after a while.

21 / 26

“My cancer hurts.”

Stop whining!

22 / 26

“Wanna try using the defibrillator on this cantaloupe?”

Every ICU nurse has already tried this. Nothing happens. It doesn’t even explode.

23 / 26

“En garde!”

After a grueling 12-hour shift spent intubating dozens of patients, the last thing nurses want to do is put on armor and fight you in two rounds of épée.

24 / 26

“Beep…beep…beep…”

Nurses can always tell when patients are trying to hide the fact that they’ve died.

25 / 26

“Oh, hey! You were just my nurse. Pretty cool you’re in the ICU with Covid now too.”

Try not to act so excited, because after all, this was your fault.