Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse

Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden.

It’s proper etiquette to mail a formal invitation requesting the nurse’s presence in your room at least three weeks in advance.

You’re in an intensive care unit, so telling a nurse something this obvious is pretty patronizing.

So that’s how you want to thank our brave heroes? By literally suffocating them?

Nurses are too busy to deal with meaningless small talk about things no one has heard of.

ICU nurses are already close to their breaking point without having to figure out what the fuck you even mean by this.

Where did you find that morphine pump?

Of course they have! Don’t ask stupid questions.

You want to be treated with 100,000 milligrams of Vitamin C and pieces of your own hair, you do that shit at home.

Not until you’ve finished filling your first.

ICU nurses hate surprises.

Between their mansions, beach houses, and Maseratis, most nurses are barely scraping by on seven figures.

Most ICU nurses are very self-conscious about the loose-fitting hospital scrubs that don’t show off their fit, toned bodies.

That will be openly and quickly prescribed to you by your doctor.

That’d be a condescending thing to say even if you didn’t confuse teachers with nurses.

Covid is not a celebrity, so don’t ask if it’s nice or stuck-up or really hot in person.

Nurses are so sick of trying to figure out this riddle.

It’s not nice to comment on how incredibly easy and pointless many people’s jobs are.

Eh, they all kind of blend together after a while.

Stop whining!

Every ICU nurse has already tried this. Nothing happens. It doesn’t even explode.

After a grueling 12-hour shift spent intubating dozens of patients, the last thing nurses want to do is put on armor and fight you in two rounds of épée.

Nurses can always tell when patients are trying to hide the fact that they’ve died.

Try not to act so excited, because after all, this was your fault.