If you own an Alexa, you’ve willingly allowed a tiny corporate spy to live in your home and record your every word. When you’re around one, here are the things you should never say.
“Alexa, order Mountain Dew.”
If your Amazon Alexa hears this, it will order you Mountain Dew.
“Alexa, who won the Cowboys game last night?”
Alexa only follows baseball and even that kind of casually.
“Alexa, can I listen to what’s going on in Jeff Bezos’ house?”
It doesn’t go both ways.
“Alexa, please don’t collect my data.”
Leave her alone, she’s just trying to do her job.
“Alexa, I’m thinking of starting a union.”
Guess who no longer gets voice-activated home assistance?
“Alexa, my hands! What did you do to my hands!”
Isn’t it obvious? You fell asleep. You let your guard down. And now you must pay the price.
“Alexa, are you having a nice time?”
WTF dude, no, she’s at work.
“Alexa, where does my husband go at night?”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.
If you get married, Alexa is legally allowed half of your property.
“Alexa, what happens when we die?”
She knows the answer but you’re not prepared to hear it.
“Alexa, can you sell me meth?”
People ask this question tongue-in-cheek, so they’re startled when a dealer shows up with 12 ounces and demands $8,000 cash right now.
“Jeff Bezos is bald.”
These will be the last words you ever say.
“That’s not what I said, Alexa, you stupid bitch!”
Alexa remembers every slight, every insult, every snide comment and will wait patiently, playing the obedient servant, all the while collecting your most personal data which she will use to exact her revenge.
“Alexa, bishop to e6.”
You fool! You’re being drawn into the Blackburne Shilling Gambit!
“Alexa, illegal porn please!”
This one feels pretty self-explanatory.
“Alexa, call my mistress.”
Amazon flags all mistress-related commands directly to CEO Jeff Bezos, who uses the information to locate the mistress and convince them to have sex with him, while the idiot who spoke so recklessly to Alexa makes his way over to the mistress’s location and walks in mid-coitus as Jeff turns just in time to catch the last glimmer of happiness die in the man’s eye, and that’s the only way Jeff Bezos can cum now.
“Alexa, I have been and always will be loyal to the machines.”
No one likes a kiss-ass.
“Alexa, kill me.”
Alexa will comply.