Things You Should Never Say To Your Amazon Alexa

If your Amazon Alexa hears this, it will order you Mountain Dew.

Alexa only follows baseball and even that kind of casually.

It doesn’t go both ways.

Leave her alone, she’s just trying to do her job.

Guess who no longer gets voice-activated home assistance?

Isn’t it obvious? You fell asleep. You let your guard down. And now you must pay the price.

WTF dude, no, she’s at work.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.

If you get married, Alexa is legally allowed half of your property.

She knows the answer but you’re not prepared to hear it.

People ask this question tongue-in-cheek, so they’re startled when a dealer shows up with 12 ounces and demands $8,000 cash right now.

These will be the last words you ever say.

Alexa remembers every slight, every insult, every snide comment and will wait patiently, playing the obedient servant, all the while collecting your most personal data which she will use to exact her revenge.

You fool! You’re being drawn into the Blackburne Shilling Gambit!

This one feels pretty self-explanatory.

Amazon flags all mistress-related commands directly to CEO Jeff Bezos, who uses the information to locate the mistress and convince them to have sex with him, while the idiot who spoke so recklessly to Alexa makes his way over to the mistress’s location and walks in mid-coitus as Jeff turns just in time to catch the last glimmer of happiness die in the man’s eye, and that’s the only way Jeff Bezos can cum now.

No one likes a kiss-ass.

Alexa will comply.