Things You Should Never Text Your Ex After A Breakup

It may be tempting to reach out, but that restraining order is no joke. Here are several things you should never text your ex after a breakup.

“What has many keys but can’t open a lock?”

The painful period after a breakup is stressful enough without someone popping in to challenge one’s wits.

“Here is a picture of the person I am currently having sex with.”

While you would obviously only ever send this for informational purposes, there is a slight chance your ex could interpret it as you trying to rub in how quickly you’ve moved on.

“Hey, your passport finally came in the mail for you”

Are you crazy?! No contact means no contact. Throw it in the trash.

“The McRib could be year round, but they keep it limited to create artificial demand.”

That’s just cruel.

“I’ve got my head wedged in the claw machine again.”

Nice try, but they know it’s just a lie to get them to come running back.

“I’m your Dad now, son.”

Unless you’re prepared to legally adopt them, texting your ex this is just weird.

“Panang curry medium spicy with chicken.”

If it’s over, they no longer care that you finally decided what to order tonight for dinner.

“Please give me my clothes. I’m so cold.”

You should have thought ahead and known that your ex would keep all of your clothes before you broke it off.

“Did Kruschev really bang shoe at UN?”

Siri misunderstood your command and accidentally texted your ex again.

“I’d like to give sex and nothing else another try.”

Coming out and saying you’re just interested in the physical part of your relationship is a surefire way to ensure that never actually happens.

“Even though it didn’t work out, I think you’re the best partner I’ve ever had. And you’re a great cook.”

Your ex wants to hate you, stop being nice.

“This is President Joe Biden, and we’re looking to take back the Senate from the Republicans. Can you pitch in $20 in our fight to save America?”

Leave it alone, Joe.

“Step up your instant ramen game by simply adding a soft-boiled egg and hoisin-marinated pork belly!”

If they wanted your advice, they would ask for it.

“The entire time we were dating, I was having sex with you.”

This misguided attempt to hurt your partner is likely to only confuse and irritate them further.

“Got a free ticket to go see Bruno Mars.”

Sure, you both love Bruno’s soulful stylings. God that little guy can absolutely belt it. But it’s going to be awkward when “When I Was Your Man” comes on.

“Are you still down to have kids or is that off too?”

Chances are that if they don’t want to date you, they probably aren’t interested in raising a family either.

“I’ve changed so much since we’ve broken up.”

Yes, it is true, but it’s against the werewolf code to tell any humans what you are now.

“When are you coming back to the altar?”

Chances are they’re already boarding a flight to Spain and it’s too late to convince them to change their mind.