You may think you and your therapist have a confidentiality agreement, but the truth is, most medical professionals are known snitches. Should you tell them, your therapist is legally obligated to report the following things.
Threats Of Self Harm
If you at any point during a session reveal that you are a danger to yourself, your therapist is obligated to make sure you get the jail time you deserve.
Feeling Kinda Blah
According to federal law, therapists must immediately notify the police if a client discloses feeling a little off or sort of confused about stuff.
Cool Music Recs
Police are always looking to expand their musical horizons, so therapists frequently inform them of new bands clients have really been digging lately.
You Are Screwing A Cop’s Wife
Let’s just say, if an officer finds out you are screwing around with his wife, both you and your therapist are going to jail.
Selling Pirated DVDs
Unfortunately, many mental health professionals get kickbacks from major film studios for reporting intellectual property theft.
You Bring A Dead Body To Your Session
It’s at your therapist’s discretion whether or not to report you, even if the corpse isn’t someone you killed.
Your Counterfeit Check
Luckily, by the time the report reaches the authorities, you’ll already be long gone with 45 minutes of free therapy under your belt.
If You’ve Got A Crush On A Police Officer
Federal law requires mental health professionals to file paperwork to find out if the officer likes you back.
If You’re Just Going On And On
Therapists are obliged to report any and all boring people to the proper authorities so they can avoid sitting through your excruciatingly dull witness statement in the event of a crime.
Suggesting It Might Be Time To Discontinue Therapy
Keep forking over that copay, bucko, or you’re going straight to the slammer.
Available Bank Balance
How else are cops supposed to know who is worth shaking down?
Friendship With Child Or Elder
An incredibly disturbing and unhealthy behavior that is often cause for immediate alarm.
Saying You Have A Plan To Kill God
The reporting of this rests heavily on whether your therapist thinks God is real or not.
You’ve Seen Boondock Saints 46 Times
While not a crime, per se, it wouldn’t hurt to have you on a list somewhere.
Nothing, If They’re An Accomplice
Looks like you found the perfect lookout for your bank robbery.
Intent To Pleasure Self
Therapists are taught from day one to take any mention of masturbation extremely seriously.
Pressing The Secret Red Button
That’s the silent alarm which means you just called the cops on yourself.
Anything The Mic Didn’t Pick Up
They can be temperamental if there’s background noise or you cough or something.