Things Your Therapist Is Legally Obligated To Report To The Police

Things Your Therapist Is Legally Obligated To Report To The Police

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You may think you and your therapist have a confidentiality agreement, but the truth is, most medical professionals are known snitches. Should you tell them, your therapist is legally obligated to report the following things.

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Threats Of Self Harm

Threats Of Self Harm

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If you at any point during a session reveal that you are a danger to yourself, your therapist is obligated to make sure you get the jail time you deserve.

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Feeling Kinda Blah

Feeling Kinda Blah

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According to federal law, therapists must immediately notify the police if a client discloses feeling a little off or sort of confused about stuff.

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Cool Music Recs

Cool Music Recs

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Police are always looking to expand their musical horizons, so therapists frequently inform them of new bands clients have really been digging lately.

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You Are Screwing A Cop’s Wife

You Are Screwing A Cop’s Wife

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Let’s just say, if an officer finds out you are screwing around with his wife, both you and your therapist are going to jail.

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Selling Pirated DVDs

Selling Pirated DVDs

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Unfortunately, many mental health professionals get kickbacks from major film studios for reporting intellectual property theft.

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You Bring A Dead Body To Your Session

You Bring A Dead Body To Your Session

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It’s at your therapist’s discretion whether or not to report you, even if the corpse isn’t someone you killed.

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Your Counterfeit Check

Your Counterfeit Check

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Luckily, by the time the report reaches the authorities, you’ll already be long gone with 45 minutes of free therapy under your belt.

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If You’ve Got A Crush On A Police Officer

If You’ve Got A Crush On A Police Officer

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Federal law requires mental health professionals to file paperwork to find out if the officer likes you back.

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If You’re Just Going On And On

If You’re Just Going On And On

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Therapists are obliged to report any and all boring people to the proper authorities so they can avoid sitting through your excruciatingly dull witness statement in the event of a crime.

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Suggesting It Might Be Time To Discontinue Therapy

Suggesting It Might Be Time To Discontinue Therapy

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Keep forking over that copay, bucko, or you’re going straight to the slammer.

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Available Bank Balance

Available Bank Balance

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How else are cops supposed to know who is worth shaking down?

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Friendship With Child Or Elder

Friendship With Child Or Elder

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An incredibly disturbing and unhealthy behavior that is often cause for immediate alarm.

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Saying You Have A Plan To Kill God

Saying You Have A Plan To Kill God

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The reporting of this rests heavily on whether your therapist thinks God is real or not.

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You’ve Seen Boondock Saints 46 Times

You’ve Seen Boondock Saints 46 Times

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While not a crime, per se, it wouldn’t hurt to have you on a list somewhere.

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Nothing, If They’re An Accomplice

Nothing, If They’re An Accomplice

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Looks like you found the perfect lookout for your bank robbery.

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Intent To Pleasure Self

Intent To Pleasure Self

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Therapists are taught from day one to take any mention of masturbation extremely seriously.

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Pressing The Secret Red Button

Pressing The Secret Red Button

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That’s the silent alarm which means you just called the cops on yourself.

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Anything The Mic Didn’t Pick Up

Anything The Mic Didn’t Pick Up

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They can be temperamental if there’s background noise or you cough or something.

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