‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise

Illustration for article titled ‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise

WASHINGTON—In a speech addressing the rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol the previous day, GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) released a statement to widespread media praise Thursday saying “this apology is bullshit and I am lying to you.” “Nothing—and I repeat, nothing—I’m saying about the violent attack on Washington is an accurate representation of how I really feel,” said Graham in a video lauded by anchors across CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News for being “powerful” and “healing,” before adding that the expressions of anger and sadness that his facial expression implied were also entirely false. “As a longtime senator from South Carolina, I walk a delicate political tightrope that requires me to act with a certain amount of decorum, even when I don’t want to. That’s what this is. When some big event like this one seems to threaten our democracy, I get pressured into saving face, and so I do the convenient thing and say whatever horseshit about democracy gets people off my back. But let’s be completely clear, I am still the same person, and soon enough my actions will speak for themselves.” At press time, Graham confirmed that his speech had led to him being offered a position in Biden’s cabinet.

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