HOMEDALE, ID—Citing the beings’ conspicuous lack of proficiency at even the most basic tasks and their general air of confusion, local man Travis Porter, 31, reported that his abduction Wednesday night was clearly the aliens’ first. “After they pulled me aboard the ship, they all just kind of stood around for a while looking at each other—it was obvious that none of them even knew where to start,” said Porter, who explained that the extraterrestrials then spent at least 15 minutes fumbling with their laser restraints until they were finally able to pin him down to the examination surface. “On the way back we completely overshot Earth, and then they had to circle around the planet a few times trying to find the spot where they picked me up. Honestly, I felt kind of embarrassed for them.” Porter added that, given their utter incompetence, he wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the alien larvae they implanted in his brain stem never matured and chewed their way out.

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