PHILADELPHIA—Calling Euphornica the only model he trusts with his raw-dogging needs, Pleasure Cove employee Jason Kempner told customers Rick Cantor and Jennifer Wilson Thursday that this, here, is the fuck harness he has at home. “This bad boy is the best one we’ve got. Sure, it costs a little more than the Commando, but you couldn’t ask for a more durable fuck harness or a better long-term investment—I’ve had one in my bedroom for a decade and it hasn’t cinched my balls or ass hairs once,” said Kempner, adding that the sex swing was easy to mount, stain resistant, and the model that he personally recommends to friends and gifts to family members for Christmas. “Those straps are really high-quality, no chaffing at all. I got a ton of mileage out of this one and it can hold 400 pounds for sure. Trust me, I set my brother-in-law up with this puppy just last week and he’s constantly raving about it.” At press time, Kempner had convinced the couple to take sex swing for a quick test fuck.