This Week’s Winter Storms, By The Numbers

Illustration for article titled This Week’s Winter Storms, By The Numbers

A series of winter storms battered much of the United States this week, setting records, disrupting daily life, and providing ominous glimpses of a climate-changed future. The Onion looks at some of the most eye-popping numbers from this week’s winter storms.

  • 3 Million: People whose call is important to Oncor Electric, and whose patience is appreciated as they remain on the line
  • 5: Seconds until burst water pipe comes crashing right through dining room ceiling
  • 34%: Portion of continental U.S. currently covered by single enormous snowflake
  • 4: Number of teeth needed to complete a chatter
  • #334-16H: Serial number of single malfunctioning wind turbine that will eventually take the fall of all of this
  • 28.7: Tons of salt redirected from BBQ to Texas roads
  • 1: Number of lieutenant governors still maintaining the biggest issue currently facing Texas is whether the national anthem is played before all major sporting events
  • 6F: Seat number for Ted Cruz’s return flight
  • 256: Fully equipped Ford F-150s in ditches along Texas highways
  • 14: Inches of accumulated blood on Texas officials’ hands