‘This Will Be The Most Challenging Few Months In History,’ Says CDC Director Who Just Bought ‘Dark Souls II’

Illustration for article titled ‘This Will Be The Most Challenging Few Months In History,’ Says CDC Director Who Just Bought ‘Dark Souls II’

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to hunker down and prepare for the worst, CDC director Robert Redford announced Monday that the coming months would be the most challenging in history after purchasing FromSoftware’s Dark Souls II. “While there’s light at the end of the tunnel, we’re anticipating some grave trials in the coming weeks,” said Redford in a press conference in which he stressed that there could be “hundreds or even thousands of deaths” in the lengthy and grueling quest to defeat Queen Nashandra in the fallen kingdom of Drangleic. “Experts have warned for years about how difficult this experience might be, but we never could have foreseen how dangerous [introductory stage] Things Betwixt actually was. Based on our estimates, we could have hundreds of hours of harrowing action role-playing gameplay ahead of us. Still, I assure you we’ll get through this together. In fact, if anyone can leave a help message on tips for the Fume Night that would be sweet. I’ve heard he’s a beast.” At press time, Redford added that this could be one of the most punishing periods in memory since the agency got a Ghosts ‘N Goblins coin-op machine back in 1985.

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