Thoughts Every Woman Has Had In The Workplace

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“I am a woman in the workplace.”

Most women in the workplace repeat this single thought over and over in their heads until it’s time to clock out and become a woman in the elevator, a woman on the train, a woman in the home, and so on.

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“I bet he makes more money than me.”

Women often have this thought while glaring at the Naruto Funko Pop they keep on their desk.

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“Aaack!”

This is a common internal response to the foibles of modern womanhood.

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“I wonder if I could blow my boss up using nothing but my mind.”

It’s quite common for women to test out whether their thoughts can produce a psychic blast capable of vaporizing their supervisors.

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“Time to leak some classified government documents.”

Someone at this bureau needs to step up and be a whistleblower, and you know it’s not going to be a man.

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“Ah, there it is, my trusty office chair. But wait, where’s my desk?”

Oh, there it is, right in front of the chair! How convenient!

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“If a man is under five-foot-eight, I will never take them seriously as an authority figure or even a peer.”

It’s not just in your head, sorry.

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“Health insurance, paycheck, health insurance, paycheck.”

This phrase is constantly cycling through most women’s head louder and more rapidly the longer they’ve been in the workforce.

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“Tadao Ando’s austere and spiritual design shows modernism can be harnessed in a way that nourishes the human soul.”

They have a life and interests outside of the office, you know?

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“I wonder what my male coworkers look like fully clothed.”

It’s not unusual for women to daydream about what their male counterparts would look like if they didn’t have their penises exposed for everyone to see.

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“101110010010001111.”

If you peel back the skin on any of your female coworkers faces, you’ll find nothing but a cold metal plate covered in lights and wires.

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“I hope no one finds my secret stash of acorns I hid in the conference room.”

Women have a well-known tendency to hide nuts and seeds around the office in preparation for cold weather when food is scarce.

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“Time to lay off half of my employees.”

They might seem demure, but female CEOs have no problem laying off 50% of their workforce while refusing to pay out their vacation days or provide them with COBRA.

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“It’s so hard to type when I am blessed with such large natural breasts.”

While they may not outwardly admit their struggle, it’s important to show patience and compassion to your colleagues with breasts who likely have trouble reaching the middle letters on their keyboards or fail to see their computer screens over their hefty, chin-high bosom.

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“I wish the copy machine would stop hitting on me.”

No matter how many times they politely reject the advances of the Xerox VersaLink C405/DN Color Duplex Network Laser Printer, it doesn’t seem to take a hint.

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“If a 36-pack of tampons costs $8, and I steal 400 from the office bathroom over the course of the year, then I can save, like, $90.”

God fucking damn it, they’re out again.

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“Do I have to be excited about my coworker’s baby?”

The men don’t have to be, but as a woman, you feel obligated to go crazy for your colleague’s newborn, even though you were way more excited when she brought in her dog.

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“If I cut off some of my hair, can I glue it to my face and pass as a man?”

Probably not, but every woman’s considers it about three months in.

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“I wish I didn’t have to get paid in the cash grab booth.”

Women are sometimes paid as little as 50% of their male coworkers salary when forced to grab their salary out of the air as it violently whirls around them in a glass box.

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“If only Lucille Ball were here, we’d have such fun!”

Many women spend meetings daydreaming about what great fun they would have if the famed sitcom actress were to come into their workplace and entertain them with stories and dancing!

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“It’s just a boys’ club.”

Women often feel alienated by a culture that rewards bonding over traditionally male-oriented topics such as sports or circumcision.

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“I’m going to kill everyone here, burn this place down, then kill myself.”

At the end of the day, man or woman, we are all just humans.

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“Wow, this place actually values my contributions!”

New around here, aren’t you?