Illustration for article titled Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plantem/em

DEARBORN, MI—Forming a macabre display of safety-related anthropomorphic horror, thousands of dismembered and carefully arranged crash test dummies were found lining newly discovered catacombs beneath Ford’s River Rouge Complex, sources reported Thursday. “As my eyes gradually adjusted to the gloom of the labyrinthine tunnels below the plant, the patterns on the walls were slowly revealed to be dismembered dummy parts stretching far into the darkness,” said factory worker Tony Bosso, who stumbled upon the maze of dummy remains after accidentally stepping on a decapitated test-mannequin head while inventorying a warehouse basement. “The first dummies I found were from the mid-Taurus period, but there’s a whole Mustang gallery, and a charred vestibule from the Pinto era, and so on back—maybe even to Model T times, we don’t yet know. And everywhere you look there are inscriptions warning of the dangers of not wearing your seatbelt. I just can’t get the images out of my mind.” Ford representatives said that they intend to fully investigate the existence of macabre mechanical caverns, and that the dummy remains would be treated with the respect due their sacrifice.


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