Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140%

AMES, IA—In part of an ongoing effort to foster a more inclusive academic community, thousands of students from across the nation were forced to attend Iowa State Monday after the university set its acceptance rate to 140 percent. “We’d like to congratulate all the people who didn’t apply, but were nevertheless determined to have the heart of a Cyclone,” said university president Wendy Wintersteen, who noted that hundreds of required admissions letters were still in the mail, and that those not yet accepted should not lose hope of being conscripted this Fall. “The class of 2023 will almost certainly be the most diverse and accomplished freshman cohort in the history of Iowa State. In fact, we were quite surprised by the number of international students we were able to prod onto planes. We look forward to meeting you all in September when we can assign your mandatory major, varsity sport, and Greek organization.” At press time, Wintersteen confirmed that the university would not be adding any additional scholarships or housing, but promised that each student would love their dozens of new roommates.

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