Tide Unveils New Guy Who Will Lick Stains Off You

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CINCINNATI—Hailing the product as a major breakthrough in laundry technology, the detergent brand Tide announced Thursday that its top-selling line of household products now includes a guy who comes into your home and licks the stains off you. “We at Tide are proud to introduce Greg, our latest weapon in the war against those pesky spills and splashes,” read a press release that accompanied the product, explaining how Greg’s patented stain-fighting saliva and ultra-absorbent tongue work to obliterate even the toughest, most set-in stains. “Just yell out, ‘Greg!’ and he’ll come on over and get to work. Whether it’s coffee, wine, dirt, or blood, he’ll lick it all up. So the next time you accidentally smear chocolate all over your pants, give Greg a shout!” The press release went on to warn customers that before using Greg, they should test him out on an inconspicuous area of clothing to avoid potential discoloration.