The Onion asked influencers how they felt about the looming TikTok ban in the United States, and this is what they said.
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“Please don’t ban it. I don’t exist outside of my TikTok videos. Once they go unplayed, I’ll turn into vapor and won’t re-form for a thousand years.”
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“You’re going to have to make sure you ‘like’ and follow me for part two.”
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“I can’t move to China. I don’t even know how to dance in Chinese.”
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“Singling out TikTok over other platforms with similar data privacy issues raises uncomfortable questions about xenophobia that the American public is, frankly, not prepared to answer.”
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“Hopefully someone uses TikTok to kill a bunch of schoolchildren so it becomes one of those things we’re not allowed to legislate.”
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“Please, this can’t happen. My dad told me that if I ever stop dancing he’ll activate the radio chip that makes my heart explode.”
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“Anything that smothers the careers of the little babies trying to come up and steal my crown is okay by me.”
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“Without TikTok, I’d be no one.”
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“But if they get rid of TikTok, I’ll have to try and make a living with nothing more than my Ph.D. in biochemical engineering from Stanford!”
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“user98392019374 fans will find a way through this. They always do.”
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“I didn’t even get banned when I filmed the suicide forest, or faked my own murder, or scammed thousands of children in every video.”
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“But how will I know how I look in a pair of Zara jeans without my followers telling me 🔥🔥 🔥or 🤮🤮🤮?”
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“Dance is my life. That moment when the music hits is the only time I’m truly me. If I can’t dance for a living, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
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“If it’s banned, we will give our data directly to the Chinese Communist Party out of spite.”
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“I’m planning on expressing my concerns to President Biden during our one-on-one sit down next Tuesday.”
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“Just another example of our gerontocratic leaders failing to understand that the proverbial battle lines of the internet are generative, not consumptive; heuristic, not interrogative.”
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“Good thing I already made an incalculable amount of money.”
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