American physicists recently discovered that a tiny subatomic particle called a muon does not conform to the laws of physics as currently understood, suggesting the potential discovery of a brand-new form of physics. The Onion looks back at a timeline of humankind’s major physics discoveries.
461 BCE: Greek philosopher Anaxagoras becomes first person to suggest that stuff is made up of other stuff.
349 BCE: Aristotle proposes concept of a geocentric universe, like a moron.
1070: Magnetic poles of Earth conclusively established after someone finds a fully functional compass buried in the sand.
1254: Italian theologian Thomas Aquinas discovers that women burn at the same rate whether they’re witches or not.
1687: After tripping and falling in front of colleagues, Isaac Newton set out to prove that it wasn’t him but the Earth’s invisible force that made him look like an idiot.
1895: German physicist Wilhelm Röntgen successfully produces X-rays after being tasked with finding way to view a person’s skeleton without first killing and skinning them.
1955: Velcro.
2004: Tim discovers that if you reach max speed on a motorcycle in Grand Theft Auto and hit a concrete median head on, your guy flies so fucking far.
2643: High school students laugh as teacher explains how primitive 21st-century people didn’t understand simple muons.