Timeline Of Putin’s Rise To Power

1951

Putin’s parents decide to try for an evil megalomaniac.

1952

Emerges from mother’s vagina as part of audacious gambit to assume complete control of Russia.

1953

Lifeless stare perfected.

1957

Learns how to ride a bike, but there’s something sinister about it.

1967

Opponent for student council treasurer suffers mysterious organ failure.

1971

Invades first-ever country as part of University-sponsored study abroad program.

1975

Graduates from Leningrad State University with a major in aggression.

1975

Begins career in government with low-level job as the KGB’s social media intern.

1977

Starts carrying saber around 24 hours a day.

1978

KGB discovers Putin has already been clandestinely working there for several years.

1987

Sets personal best dead-lift weight of 85 pounds.

1994

Tries marzipan for the first time and just really doesn’t like it.

1997-99

Serves as interim U.S. secretary of housing and urban development.

1999

Ruthlessly calls Boris Yeltsin a little pudgy doughboy who loves to stuff his face with sweets until the Russian leader resigns in tears.

2000

Putin’s election to the Russian presidency becomes landmark 1-millionth American-influenced foreign policy strategy that will eventually backfire.

2006

Another journalist decides to be murdered by the government.

2008

Dmitry Medvedev becomes president, forcing Putin to control country from prime minister’s office down the hall.

2011

Successfully arm wrestles himself in show of strength.

2013

Is awarded black belt in tae kwon do following the mysterious deaths of the martial art’s 70 million other practitioners.

2013

Putin’s political career in jeopardy after affair with brown bear comes to light.

2014

Russia takes world stage to host Sochi Winter Olympics, which solidifies nation’s status as major player in passing vials of piss through holes in a wall.

2014

Putin annexes Crimea by pure accident.

2015

Demands Ukraine stay out of NATO at risk of brutally violent retribution but no worries if not.

2016

Smiles.

2019

Learns about the fall of the Soviet Union and is furious.

2020

Russian constitution amended to allow Putin to rule for several terms after death.

2021

Delays invasion of Ukraine to focus on losing pandemic weight.

2025

Chokes out that he appreciates the irony right before dying of poisoning.

2038

Seventh presidential term begins.