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1951
1951

Putin’s parents decide to try for an evil megalomaniac.
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1952
1952

Emerges from mother’s vagina as part of audacious gambit to assume complete control of Russia.
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1953
1953

Lifeless stare perfected.
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1957
1957

Learns how to ride a bike, but there’s something sinister about it.
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1967
1967

Opponent for student council treasurer suffers mysterious organ failure.
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1971
1971

Invades first-ever country as part of University-sponsored study abroad program.
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1975
1975

Graduates from Leningrad State University with a major in aggression.
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1975
1975

Begins career in government with low-level job as the KGB’s social media intern.
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1977
1977

Starts carrying saber around 24 hours a day.
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1978
1978

KGB discovers Putin has already been clandestinely working there for several years.
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1987
1987

Sets personal best dead-lift weight of 85 pounds.
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1994
1994

Tries marzipan for the first time and just really doesn’t like it.
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1997-99
1997-99

Serves as interim U.S. secretary of housing and urban development.
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1999
1999

Ruthlessly calls Boris Yeltsin a little pudgy doughboy who loves to stuff his face with sweets until the Russian leader resigns in tears.
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2000
2000

Putin’s election to the Russian presidency becomes landmark 1-millionth American-influenced foreign policy strategy that will eventually backfire.
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2006
2006

Another journalist decides to be murdered by the government.
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2008
2008

Dmitry Medvedev becomes president, forcing Putin to control country from prime minister’s office down the hall.
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2011
2011

Successfully arm wrestles himself in show of strength.
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2013
2013

Is awarded black belt in tae kwon do following the mysterious deaths of the martial art’s 70 million other practitioners.
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2013
2013

Putin’s political career in jeopardy after affair with brown bear comes to light.
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2014
2014

Russia takes world stage to host Sochi Winter Olympics, which solidifies nation’s status as major player in passing vials of piss through holes in a wall.
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2014
2014

Putin annexes Crimea by pure accident.
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2015
2015

Demands Ukraine stay out of NATO at risk of brutally violent retribution but no worries if not.
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2016
2016

Smiles.
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2019
2019

Learns about the fall of the Soviet Union and is furious.
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2020
2020

Russian constitution amended to allow Putin to rule for several terms after death.
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2021
2021

Delays invasion of Ukraine to focus on losing pandemic weight.
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2025
2025

Chokes out that he appreciates the irony right before dying of poisoning.
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2038
2038

Seventh presidential term begins.
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