Timeline Of Putin’s Rise To Power

Putin’s parents decide to try for an evil megalomaniac.

Emerges from mother’s vagina as part of audacious gambit to assume complete control of Russia.

Lifeless stare perfected.

Learns how to ride a bike, but there’s something sinister about it.

Opponent for student council treasurer suffers mysterious organ failure.

Invades first-ever country as part of University-sponsored study abroad program.

Graduates from Leningrad State University with a major in aggression.

Begins career in government with low-level job as the KGB’s social media intern.

Starts carrying saber around 24 hours a day.

KGB discovers Putin has already been clandestinely working there for several years.

Sets personal best dead-lift weight of 85 pounds.

Tries marzipan for the first time and just really doesn’t like it.

Serves as interim U.S. secretary of housing and urban development.

Ruthlessly calls Boris Yeltsin a little pudgy doughboy who loves to stuff his face with sweets until the Russian leader resigns in tears.

Putin’s election to the Russian presidency becomes landmark 1-millionth American-influenced foreign policy strategy that will eventually backfire.

Another journalist decides to be murdered by the government.

Dmitry Medvedev becomes president, forcing Putin to control country from prime minister’s office down the hall.

Successfully arm wrestles himself in show of strength.

Is awarded black belt in tae kwon do following the mysterious deaths of the martial art’s 70 million other practitioners.

Putin’s political career in jeopardy after affair with brown bear comes to light.

Russia takes world stage to host Sochi Winter Olympics, which solidifies nation’s status as major player in passing vials of piss through holes in a wall.

Putin annexes Crimea by pure accident.

Demands Ukraine stay out of NATO at risk of brutally violent retribution but no worries if not.

Smiles.

Learns about the fall of the Soviet Union and is furious.

Russian constitution amended to allow Putin to rule for several terms after death.

Delays invasion of Ukraine to focus on losing pandemic weight.

Chokes out that he appreciates the irony right before dying of poisoning.

Seventh presidential term begins.