Timeline Of Putin’s Rise To Power

Timeline Of Putin’s Rise To Power

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1951

1951

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Putin’s parents decide to try for an evil megalomaniac.

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1952

1952

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Emerges from mother’s vagina as part of audacious gambit to assume complete control of Russia.

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1953

1953

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Lifeless stare perfected.

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1957

1957

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Learns how to ride a bike, but there’s something sinister about it.

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1967

1967

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Opponent for student council treasurer suffers mysterious organ failure.

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1971

1971

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Invades first-ever country as part of University-sponsored study abroad program.

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1975

1975

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Graduates from Leningrad State University with a major in aggression.

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1975

1975

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Begins career in government with low-level job as the KGB’s social media intern.

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1977

1977

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Starts carrying saber around 24 hours a day.

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1978

1978

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KGB discovers Putin has already been clandestinely working there for several years.

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1987

1987

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Sets personal best dead-lift weight of 85 pounds.

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1994

1994

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Tries marzipan for the first time and just really doesn’t like it.

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1997-99

1997-99

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Serves as interim U.S. secretary of housing and urban development.

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1999

1999

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Ruthlessly calls Boris Yeltsin a little pudgy doughboy who loves to stuff his face with sweets until the Russian leader resigns in tears.

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2000

2000

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Putin’s election to the Russian presidency becomes landmark 1-millionth American-influenced foreign policy strategy that will eventually backfire.

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2006

2006

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Another journalist decides to be murdered by the government.

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2008

2008

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Dmitry Medvedev becomes president, forcing Putin to control country from prime minister’s office down the hall.

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2011

2011

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Successfully arm wrestles himself in show of strength.

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2013

2013

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Is awarded black belt in tae kwon do following the mysterious deaths of the martial art’s 70 million other practitioners.

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2013

2013

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Putin’s political career in jeopardy after affair with brown bear comes to light.

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2014

2014

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Russia takes world stage to host Sochi Winter Olympics, which solidifies nation’s status as major player in passing vials of piss through holes in a wall.

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2014

2014

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Putin annexes Crimea by pure accident.

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2015

2015

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Demands Ukraine stay out of NATO at risk of brutally violent retribution but no worries if not.

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2016

2016

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Smiles.

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2019

2019

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Learns about the fall of the Soviet Union and is furious.

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2020

2020

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Russian constitution amended to allow Putin to rule for several terms after death.

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2021

2021

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Delays invasion of Ukraine to focus on losing pandemic weight.

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2025

2025

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Chokes out that he appreciates the irony right before dying of poisoning.

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2038

2038

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Seventh presidential term begins.

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