Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her platinum jubilee on Feb. 6, 2022, marking 70 years of rule for the longest-serving monarch in British history. The Onion looks back at the highlights of her reign.
1952: Nearly rejects coronation after finding out she’d also have to be queen of Pakistan.
1958: Executes first commoner.
1960: Gives birth to Prince Andrew, a beautiful 7-pound, 3-ounce future legal liability.
1977: Advises a 16-year-old Diana Spencer that the Pont de l’Alma tunnel in Paris is a great way to beat traffic.
1981: New hat.
1992: Poignantly declares 1992 an “annus horribilis” because of Britain’s crippling economic recession and IRA bombings that killed—no, wait, we’re getting word it was because of some family marital trouble and a fire in one of her castles.
1993: Takes a year-long sabbatical from the throne to play for Minor League Baseball’s Toledo Mud Hens.
2015: Honored for becoming the longest-reigning monarch by having her jersey number retired.
2019: Has Prince Philip embalmed two years before his death to save time.
2022: “2021” replaced with “2022” in draft copies of obituaries across the globe