Russia’s military buildup on Ukraine’s border has stoked the threat of war, the latest escalation in a long historical conflict. The Onion looks at key moments in the timeline of the Russia-Ukraine conflict.
988: Medieval empire Kyivan Rus’ accepts Christianity, inspiring 1,000 years of peace, kindness, and generosity.
1930: Soviet central planning helps quadruple industrial output in Ukraine, which is terrific news for the survivors.
1968: A teenage Vladimir Putin vows to get even after a Ukrainian muscleman kicks sand in his eyes and steals his girlfriend.
1986: Ukraine tries and fails to make itself undesirable to invaders with Chernobyl nuclear power plant meltdown.
1991: Ukrainians insist they need some space from Russia after the collapse of the USSR to figure their own shit out.
2004: Ukrainian Orange Revolution begins following Syracuse’s upset loss to Alabama in the Sweet 16.
2010: Russia extends olive branch by inviting Ukraine to participate in their doping scheme ahead of the 2012 Summer Olympics.
2014: Russia annexes Crimean Peninsula on grounds that it’s facing a dire shortage of peninsulas.
2021: Russia builds up military presence on Ukrainian border, stoking fears that Russia will continue to build up military presence on Ukrainian border.