The Iowa caucuses, where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election, became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction. The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle.
Friday, July 5, 1776, 5:01 AM:
Iowa caucuses system implemented on first day of America.
Tuesday, Jan. 7, 2020, 8:27 PM:
Democratic National Committee’s plan to sabotage caucuses finalized.
Thursday, Jan. 30, 3:26 PM:
For-profit tech company Shadow assures DNC that election app cost millions of dollars.
Sunday, Feb. 2, 8:01 AM:
Iowa precinct chairs downloading app unknowingly release all personal data to Shadow.
Monday, Feb. 3, 6:30 PM:
Thousands of Iowans kiss families goodbye for last time before entering designated caucus locations.
Monday, Feb. 3, 10:23 PM:
Border precincts yell into Nebraska to see if anyone there can help with app.
Monday, Feb. 3, 11:38 PM:
Denver resident Amy Stanton’s friends leave her to clean up mess after her caucus viewing party totally ruined by lack of results.
Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:01 AM:
Pete Buttigieg begins assembling cabinet.
Tuesday, Feb. 4, 1:19 PM:
Media declares Iowa caucuses incredibly significant symbol of irrelevance.
Tuesday, Feb. 4, 4:13 PM:
DNC official Googles rules of rounding decimal numbers for 10,000th time of day.
Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:02 PM:
Joe Biden takes consolation in fact that Iowa’s embarrassment eclipses his.
Wednesday, Feb. 5, 10:09 AM:
Iowa Democratic Party announces plan to trickle out information about single vote every day for next 17,000 months.
Wednesday, Feb. 5, 5:12 PM:
Marion, IA resident Terry Walker begins to lose faith in Bernie Sanders’ ability to accurately convey how little political establishment cares about voters.
Thursday, Feb. 6, 11:20 AM:
Democratic Party officials scrambling to find someone less qualified to do Tom Perez’s job.
Thursday, Feb. 6, 8:30 PM:
Election officials hail intractable first-place tie between Sanders and Buttigieg as victory for more voters than ever before.
Friday, Feb. 7, 4:02 PM:
Fuck it, Tom Steyer declares victory too.