Timeline Of The War In Afghanistan

Illustration for article titled Timeline Of The War In Afghanistan

President Biden announced Wednesday his plan to withdraw troops from Afghanistan in September, the latest move to pull the military out of what has become America’s longest war. The Onion looks at key dates from the U.S. war in Afghanistan.


1982: CIA funds and trains Taliban after making them promise not to do anything bad.

2001: World Trade Center office worker spills coffee on shirt and declares day couldn’t possibly get any worse.

2003: Loosest-ever use of the word “accomplished.”

2008: Surviving Afghan wedding guests admittedly somewhat grateful for drone strike that interrupted interminable best man speech.

2010: Occupying U.S. troops increased to 100,000 as part of Operation Nice Round Numbers.

2011: Osama bin Laden killed in Pakistan raid, forcing U.S. to stay in Afghanistan to gather intelligence on his ghost.


2012: Vice President Biden announces that forces will leave Afghanistan after he’s elected to replace Donald Trump as president in eight years.

2014: President Obama announces combat missions are officially over and any further civilian deaths can be ignored.


2020: After months of negotiations, U.S. and Taliban agree to let bygones be bygones.

2036: President Buttigieg promises to withdraw remaining 80,000 US troops from Afghanistan by end of year.