- 0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine
- September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001
- September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for the man responsible, and a devastating economic downturn
- May 2004: World leaders meet to discuss moral ramifications of drone warfare, decide it’s fine
- March 2005: Parker Brothers releases popular War On Terror–themed board game ‘Insurgency!’
- June 2006: U.S. Army aborts poorly worded Operation Making Freedom Happen
- August 2006: Charlotte, NC financial analyst Omar Abbas receives his 500,000th suspicious glance
- December 2008: Laid-back Osama bin Laden delivers latest terrorist threat in jeans
- June 2010: Army Special Forces manage to corner Terror in a safe house in Afghanistan but it escapes alive
- May 2, 2011: Osama bin Laden is killed, and The Onion plans to release the photo of his dead body in 20 minutes. Come on back then.
- May 2013: Approximately 12 people feel safe