As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.


Start early to help your child understand that summer vacation is but a fleeting moment of relaxation in a life that will be otherwise filled with responsibilities


Don’t go back-to-school shopping on an empty stomach as you may end up buying extra rulers to snack on that you don’t actually want or need


Anything other than Mead is social suicide


Have a candid discussion with your child about how hard they think they’ll try this year and adjust your shopping list accordingly

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Drain back-to-school time of what little excitement it has for your kids by using old binders and leftover paper you already own


Many schools provide a list of supplies kids need so you can get an idea of what will be sold out when you get to Staples

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Buy a few binder sizes up so they have something to grow into


Used clothing and hand-me-downs from older siblings help ensure that your child will not be distracted from their schoolwork by friends or social events

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If you’re on a tight budget, use Craigslist to find cheap, lightly-used glue sticks


Encourage your kids not to lose their supplies by telling them their new pencil case contains the soul of their dead grandmother

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Just look at what Dakota’s parents are buying this year