Bringing a pet into your life is a rewarding experience, though it also involves finding someone you trust to provide capable medical care. Here are The Onion’s tips for choosing the right veterinarian:

  • Begin by scoping out the facilities. If the vet’s clinic has several heavy, padlocked doors that say “KEEP OUT,” you can rest assured that they value your pet’s privacy.
  • Do your research to ensure the facility is open during the hours when your pet typically swallows an entire tube of tennis balls.
  • Look for red flags around the office, such as unsanitary bathrooms and piles of dead horses.
  • Make sure the vet demonstrates a keen interest in your pet. If they spend most of the appointment asking about your skin, this could indicate you’ve entered a dermatologist’s office.
  • Before letting the veterinarian work on your beloved turtle, give them a decoy turtle to prove themselves first.
  • Be certain that the vet is passionate about animals and didn’t just attend a college of veterinary medicine to make a quick buck.
  • Not all clinics welcome walk-ins. If you’re seeking off-the-books treatment for a gunshot wound, be sure to call ahead.
  • If the search for the right specialist is too difficult, simply set your dog loose equidistant from all the vets in town to see where their instincts guide them.
  • It’s important to note the office’s proximity to an ice cream parlor in the event that you have to soothe a sobbing child.

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