More Americans are becoming health-conscious and moving toward a cleaner, whole foods-based diet. Here are The Onion’s tips for clean eating.


Ditch the cream and sugar and try drinking your Kool-Aid blue.


Avoid eating foods that require you to suck the tips of your fingers when you’re done.

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When grocery shopping, make sure your chicken is antibiotic-free, your beef is grass-fed, and your pork has never touched the skin of an unclean woman.


Start small—pick just one day a week to cut Taco Bell’s cheesy gordita crunch out of your diet.

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Cut down on the amount of meat you eat, but make sure to balance this out by finding other creative ways to assert your dominance over animals.


Practice saying, “Yum, that looks good, but I cannot eat it, for it is unclean.”


If you’re feeling discouraged, try to remember all the good times you’ve had eating salt rather than getting caught up in what could have been.

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Wendy’s has a new grilled chicken sandwich that looks pretty healthy.


Make sure to pay three times as much as you used to for groceries.

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