Many Americans want to transition to a plant-based diet, but other Americans want to eat more meat—a lot more. The Onion offers helpful tips for how to eat way more meat.
- Ask to substitute the lettuce and tomato on your cheeseburger with two additional beef patties.
- If you eat greens by mistake, don’t beat yourself up—just double up on steak tomorrow.
- Pets don’t necessarily just have to be for companionship, if you catch our drift.
- Starring in a Marvel movie and getting a personal trainer is the best way to get yourself eating six lean chicken breasts per day.
- Keeping nonperishable meat on your person is important to make sure you’re never stranded and meatless.
- Find meat in unlikely places: Surprise! You may already be eating foods that contain animal products, like Lucky Charms, bagels, refried beans, candy, bananas, beer, frosted Pop-Tarts, salted peanuts, gummy bears, Caesar salad, Parmesan cheese, and most food.
- Adding kielbasa to your breakfast smoothies is a simple way to get your daily kielbasa intake.
- Try to just sort of, you know, keep living in the United States.
- The only green in your refrigerator should be turtle meat.
- It may be hard at first, but remember that the alternative is a healthy, balanced diet.