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Tips For Eating Way More Meat

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Many Americans want to transition to a plant-based diet, but other Americans want to eat more meat—a lot more. The Onion offers helpful tips for how to eat way more meat.

  • Ask to substitute the lettuce and tomato on your cheeseburger with two additional beef patties.
  • If you eat greens by mistake, don’t beat yourself up—just double up on steak tomorrow.
  • Pets don’t necessarily just have to be for companionship, if you catch our drift.
  • Starring in a Marvel movie and getting a personal trainer is the best way to get yourself eating six lean chicken breasts per day.
  • Keeping nonperishable meat on your person is important to make sure you’re never stranded and meatless.
  • Find meat in unlikely places: Surprise! You may already be eating foods that contain animal products, like Lucky Charms, bagels, refried beans, candy, bananas, beer, frosted Pop-Tarts, salted peanuts, gummy bears, Caesar salad, Parmesan cheese, and most food.
  • Adding kielbasa to your breakfast smoothies is a simple way to get your daily kielbasa intake.
  • Try to just sort of, you know, keep living in the United States.
  • The only green in your refrigerator should be turtle meat.
  • It may be hard at first, but remember that the alternative is a healthy, balanced diet.