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Tips For Ending A Friendship

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Just like any relationship, friendships can reach a point where they’re not beneficial to both participants, but ending one gracefully can be complicated. The Onion offers the best tips for ending a friendship.


Politely and gently explain to them why they can fuck off.


Send a clear message by not re-upping the friendship contract you both signed at the beginning of the relationship.

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Slowly unbutton your shirt to reveal you’ve been wearing a wire this whole time.


Only respond to their texts with “lol” or “ha yeah.” They should get the message in one to four years.

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Humans are typically supposed to act sad during these situations, so remember to frown or pout.


Starting to date someone should do the trick.


Have a new drummer already sitting down at the kit when Brian arrives.


If confrontation is not your style, try naturally drifting apart over the course of a decade or so.

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