Here are The Onion’s tips for getting out of debt quickly and painlessly:

  • First, to discourage impulsive spending, cut up all your credit cards and paper money.
  • Make your assorted debts more manageable by spreading them out over several false identities.
  • Organization is key. Make a spreadsheet to neatly list all your minimum payments, interest rates, and remaining unfractured kneecaps.
  • Find inspiration in someone whose credit score you admire and tape their photo to the front of your wallet.
  • Ask credit card issuers for a lower rate on your balances. It’s likely they were unaware that you would prefer to owe them less money.
  • Look for everyday ways to reduce expenses. For instance, the average American saves $3,000 per year simply by switching to blended scotch.
  • Set up autopay options to consistently overdraft in a timely fashion.
  • Use cash for purchases instead of credit. If you don’t have cash, borrow a bunch from friends and family.
  • Remember, you are more than just your credit score. You are the sum total of misguided decisions and assorted demographic factors that earned you that score.

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